My partner is a hoarder, is there hope? It’s destroying my mental health.
I’ve started writing this a couple times already but it always feels like I’m being mean. I’ve had my own struggles during childhood to late teens with keeping things clean because I was very depressed and didn’t want to stay on this earth so not living in filth wasn’t my priority. I did work through it and my hoarding tendencies but nothing I ever did was bad enough to not get it back to a manageable level within a few hours by myself. I’ve lived with a friend who was a hoarder but the kind who didn’t want to work on the issue and as soon as I could, I left the situation and promised not to get myself involved in other people’s problems anymore.
Then I met my boyfriend and everything was great until I eventually visited him for the first time. Part of me wishes I just turned around and blocked him. Don’t get me wrong, I love him but his hoarding issue is dragging me down with him and I’m not sure where to go from here.
His problem was a lot more severe than anything I’ve seen before. We’re talking years of hoard, a lot of which was trash bags. Entire rooms were blocked and most of the apartment was inaccessible including the kitchen so no fridge or anything like that. The bathroom was functional but filthy like everything else. Flies everywhere, bugs and it was cold because I guess that way it doesn’t stink as much. I didn’t know how to react because at that point I already cared about him and I also know from my experience that it is a tough situation and it does feel vulnerable and embarrassing to let someone see that. He later told me that it used to be a lot worse and he became very good at pushing it aside. It took a while to figure out how to talk to him about it and make sure he understands I am there for him but it isn’t an acceptable way to live, especially if he expects me to stay with him. With time I became bolder with my words and pushed him more because the super soft approach (aka just letting him do whatever whenever while I did small things to show him how even that can have a great impact) didn’t work. There was a lot of fear that I’d leave and at first I obviously felt bad but now it just annoys me like duh I’m gonna leave eventually? I told myself 6 months and if the place isn’t liveable by then, I break up with him.
It has been almost a year and while things have improved quite a bit, it isn’t nearly the progress I need. Some days I genuinely get intrusive thoughts about just offing myself so I don’t have to be in that apartment, it genuinely feels like self harm. He as a person is very sweet and I do understand he works full time and that set backs are part of the journey but god damn it I really don’t care. I always try so hard to be helpful but still let him work through his issues because as I said to him I’m not his mother I will tell him things like put your laundry in the basket and if you don’t do it, you don’t get clean clothes. I feel bad for having rather aggressive thoughts and feeling the need to scream at him. I don’t because what’s the point other than making him feel bad.
I have moved in with him and all rooms are accessible, trash bags are gone but there is still a lot to be done. I don’t like the apartment (not just because of the filth) but I have said very honestly to him that I refuse to sign a lease with him on a new place if he hasn’t proven that he can get his shit together. I just don’t know if I even want to go on. I’m not there at the moment, I was staying with family for a few weeks to help them out but I’m going back soon and I feel a sense of dread at the thought. I feel like if he once again lets me come back to a messy place (as in the areas that are back to normal) I might just instantly break up with him. It has happened before where I left for a few days or weeks, I get back and there it is new mess, fresh mould and flies that we already got rid of. It makes me even more upset because I know he can clean it and he will apologise and it doesn’t take him long at all. He just says something like “I was tired from work” because he knows I will empathise but come on dude you knew I’d come back and you let it pile on. It does also happen when I’m there but not as bad, mostly because I do tell him like a child “do this now” and he will agree that I’m right and he does it.
But it pisses me off. And when I’m pissed off he acts all sad and hurt which makes me more angry. I will calm myself down and try to talk to him about it but while it does improve, it just drains me so much. I tell him how much he affects me and he says he’ll do better but it only lasts for a couple days. I feel bad though because it has improved. I don’t even know what I’m expecting from this. Maybe some input from someone who understands and doesn’t just call me or my bf stupid. Thanks in advance