I think I finally have an answer.
I’m here to vent, not looking for confirmation, that’s a task for a professional. Bit of a read but here goes. I’m a 43 year old man. This is how I’ve experienced life so far. It’s affected relationships along the way, mostly with people closest to me, I’ve never understood why I’m like this. No one in my life, no medical professional has ever picked up on the fact that I may have ADHD. I haven’t been diagnosed, I have an appointment with a psychiatrist coming up soon for an assessment.
I struggle with sleep. I have trouble shutting my mind off, I sleep light and wake multiple times. When I was 13 I started using music to help with sleep, at around 21 I started using a fan instead.
I struggle to relax. I fidget and get restless legs.
I have trouble regulating my emotions. Things that may be a little annoying for others can be extremely frustrating for me. I think negativity a lot.
I can’t handle rejection.
I overthink and ruminate. Often having imaginary arguments or scenarios in my mind.
I worry about what others think about me, how I’m perceived. I just worry a lot in general.
My short term memory is terrible but my long term is astounding.
I’m impulsive, when there’s something I decide I must have, I must have it. I’ll focus on making that happen, then I get it and I’m on to the next thing. When I find a product I really enjoy, I’ll latch on to it, only buying that particular brand/model/flavour until it’s no longer available and I’m forced to something else.
I struggle with active listening and focus. I hate small talk. I can be a bit socially awkward around new people and also around people that I’ve known for a long time if I have no interest in them. I often interrupt people in conversation.
I find it hard to motivate myself to participate in anything that doesn’t interest me.
When I start a task I can get distracted and start doing something else. I can put focus into something I don’t enjoy if I absolutely must but if I enjoy it it’s not so much of a problem. My school report cards always had comments like “He has the ability to do better if he applied himself”. “He’s easily distracted and becomes a distraction to others.” In kindergarten I had a behaviour card that my teacher would sign off and I’d have to take it home for my parents to review.
I need routine or a process to keep me on track with life and tasks, if that’s gets disrupted I struggle. I feel that my way of doing things is the best way of doing things and when someone does it differently I get annoyed.
At work and in shared areas of my home, things have their place and they must be in their place to maintain order. My garage, the only place in the house that is just for me, it’s a mess.
When it comes to reading, I continually have to go back over what I’ve read because my mind will be diving in and out of focus, my eyes are reading but I’m thinking about something else. Same with movies and TV, I’m looking at the screen but my mind is somewhere else, tuned out. I can focus intently on music, I’ll sit and listen to music for hours, music really moves me, I frequently experience frisson and an array of emotions while listening, I absolutely love music.
I’ve had recurring bouts of depression and anxiety since about 25 years old, I have self medicated with cannabis for many years. I currently feel like I’m suffering burnout.
Somehow I’ve managed to hold down a 21 year relationship to a beautiful woman and we have raised 2 awesome kids, both teens now.
I feel like I finally might have an answer to the root of my issues. I’ve been reading Shattered Minds and so much of it resonates with me. I’ve had a lightbulb moment.
Reading through this group has been unbelievably therapeutic for me.
I can be articulate when writing but it doesn’t come easy. It took me a couple of days to write this.