u/oxytocinlink

EDIT: I apologize for using "AITA" in my title, I forgot to delete it before posting.

this is long. TW some sensitive topics, I will let you know when mention these exactly.

really want someone’s opinion, even one person, do be aware that this is a bit graphic. Even tho this happened a bit ago, I still want to know. I had this very good friend, (we will name her sophie) I hung out with her a lot, we used to do a lot of things together, a bit later I met a friend of hers, (let’s name her anna) she was sweet and I really liked hanging around both of them, it was so fun and actually something I looked towards, we have been friends for a year at this point in the story, this is in fall last year: I laid my eyes on this “nice” guy, (let’s name him kevin) I have talked to him in the past but nothing too detailed, just a small encounter I barely remember. We started talking and anna and sophie cheered me on and supported me. The guy had a best friend, we will call him alex, anna took an interest in him, note, sophie wasn’t big on dating, but she had crushes.

After some talking, anna got with alex, and I got with kevin, we hung out together and I had to drive to their neighborhood, since anna alex and kevin all lived near each other. It was an evening, we walked around, joked around, got some alone time, between me and kevin, nothing serious happened, just some small kisses. Some time went by and kevin started coming over to my house, at this time, I lived with my family, we would mostly hang out in the living room or wherever that isn’t my room, at first. TW: where it gets weird. Once we went into my room and he asked me to do some things I really did not want to, I felt grossed out and at this point in time we have only been together for a month, this made me very uncomfortable, I also feel uncomfortable with intimacy in general since I have been through some shit in the past. But this did not even feel like intimacy, it felt like pure lust, I felt like I was being used for my body but brushed it off. It was very kinky stuff, not in a good or cute way, it was gross, a different type of it. Sure I am myself not pure but I only enjoy some stuff at the tip of the iceberg, like every other person you meet would be into the things I am into. Anyway, this kept happening and happening. He started begging me and trying to whisper in my ear in public to turn me on and kept being touchy, I told him to stop and said “another time” or at least once we are alone, he really did not, whenever I said no to things, he would pressure me, even if it’s something small, for example, I wanted to show him a picture of something, and accidentally opened a different one, I think it was an embarrassing photo, nothing else, I can’t remember. He kept asking to see after I said no and then kept calling me weird nicknames in my ear with his hot breath all up on my neck, it was disgusting, and kept happening in public. Not to mention, he kept trying to rummage in my stuff without my permission and kept trying to take my phone, he might have been jealous but I let him know if he wanted to check it he could, he said no. I found him looking in my drawers once when I came back from a quick trip to the bathroom. Anyways, he ended up groping me. We were lying in my bed, I was watching tiktok, he layed beside me, prior, he kept asking me to see my chest and body, countless times, I said no over and over I was not ready and did want to, as we were lying he kept asking me to see ”them”. After he gave up he asked me to feel my chest, skin to skin, under my clothes, I hesitated and let out a laugh and did not give a clear answer, said ”idk” and dodged it, next thing I know he did it anyway. I couldn’t say anything. I am strong I could have at least said something, I was capable of pushing him away and taking his hand away from me, but I did not. I still feel the way he touched me, exactly how it happened, it eats me alive, I hate it. He stopped eventually and asked me if it felt good, I said “didn’t really.. feel like anything” he said “well I can try again and make it so it feels good” I declined that offer. He kept being gross and asking for more but he didn’t touch me after this, as far as I remember. I felt drained all the time, we did make out and god it also felt gross, I didn’t feel good I felt so guilty and violated, he literally showed his tongue down my throat, his hygiene wasn’t great either, this was my first make out too. (this all was happening as he was following his ex and had pictures of her in his gallery, he also watched you know what while being with me and I somehow forgave him, ew never again, why did I let this happen to me) Sorry this isn’t great and I might be missing something, it’s nighttime, I am sick, and I haven’t slept.

Anywho, after 2 months of dating I broke up with him and started working and studying from home soon enough, I lost people and I was fine with it, they were assholes anyway. Anna and sophie, I still talked with them and all but not nearly as much, anna broke up with kevin and all, sophie and anna hung out a lot, stopped answering my texts, I felt like they used me for money because I pay for stuff a lot, they never say thanks either, once in a blue moon. A few months passed, maybe like two? Kevin got in a relationship or something, they broke up, and kevin came crying to me, I comforted him, don’t know why, I did not know what to do, looking back, I should not have done that.

One day, like a month after this maybe less, I checked anna’s profile and I was blocked? I was confused, I checked from my alt account to be sure, and to see if her account got deleted, nope. she blocked me, and in her bio, kevin’s account was tagged. They were dating. This completely broke me, and nobody told me?? I texted anna about this and asked if she blocked me, she said no. Didn’t even mention the elephant in the room. After that, I checked again and she unblocked me, wow what a coincidence!!! Eventually I blocked anna and sophie, only people left in my life, they didn’t really talk to me anyway tho. Kevin also got blocked, how could he do that shit??

Well, I am wondering if I am too sensitive for being mad at them still, it’s been like almost a year since the start of this all, but I still have very negative opinions about all of them, was it wrong of me to cut them off? I mean anna didn’t know about what happened after all, but she knew about the gross talk and the rummaging. She comforted me when I was crying the next day after the breakup. You might ask, why did I remember this? I was cleaning my camera roll and saw a funny video of us all hanging out, I miss those days but I also hate it more than anything. Maybe I just miss how loved I thought I was by them.

(this was before I realized I am a lesbian and an atheist, I used to be the ”basic“ straight christian girl you see everywhere, kinda, not really, and please don’t say that I am confused, I have looked deep into this, I know who I am, and it’s not because of kevin or any of these people, looking back, I always knew who I was, I notice so may patterns, my family is extremely homophobic and they pushed their believes on me my whole life. I am now, trying to express myself, but it’s still scary, I imagine how my dad will never get to walk me down the aisle just because I like the same gender.)

Thank you