u/pambam1211

I’m really struggling and would genuinely appreciate some outside perspective.

I have been living with my in-laws for 16 years, and I have felt suffocated by this arrangement for a very long time.

My mother-in-law and I have always had a difficult relationship. When I first got married, she would tell me what was expected of me now that I was a wife and that things I could get away with before marriage weren’t acceptable anymore. She compared me to other daughters-in-law and told me how I should be more like them.

Over the years, there have also been a lot of small, passive-aggressive things that have really worn me down. She has gossiped about me to hired help and to her daughter. She often treats her daughter very differently and seems to give her a pass for things that would never be acceptable from me. Even with relatives, she is constantly praising her daughter, and I have never really heard her compliment me or focus on me.

Sometimes it’s little things — asking her son if he wants food while completely ignoring me, doing things for him but deliberately excluding me, or making a point of doing something halfway for me while doing it properly for herself.

Individually, some of these things may sound insignificant. But after years and years of this dynamic, I have reached a point where I physically cringe when I hear her voice or even seeing her makes me angry. When my in-laws are around, I go upstairs to my room because I genuinely don’t want to interact with them. I wait for them to leave before coming back downstairs.

My whole life revolves around avoiding them.

I finally got my husband to acknowledge what has been happening and, after a lot of discussion, he agreed that we should move out.

We put in an offer on a house about 10 minutes away.

And everything has exploded.

My FIL has been crying and begging us not to leave. My MIL apologized and is asking us to reconsider. My parents are extremely disappointed in me as well. My mom has cried and hung up on me. My dad is upset that I would leave my in-laws at this stage of their lives.

The argument from everyone is essentially: How can you abandon them at their age?

But they are not helpless. Their house is completely paid off. They are active, independent adults and are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves physically and financially. And we aren't moving across the country. We are moving 10 minutes away. We will still be there for them and help them as needed. We are just asking for some space.

I have told them very clearly that I am unhappy. I have told them that I want a home of my own and that I feel like I am currently living in someone else's dream house rather than building my own life.

I have also told them that this living arrangement is hurting my marriage. My husband and I fight constantly about it, and I have gotten to the point where I feel like I am on the verge of depression.

Their response is basically, “Give it another year. Try living together for another year and then decide.”

But I don't want another year.

I don't want to spend another year hiding in my bedroom whenever they are around. I don't want to continue resenting them. I don't want my marriage to continue suffering. And I don't want my children to grow up thinking this is what an adult marriage is supposed to look like.

At the same time, I feel absolutely horrible.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I have actually stood up for myself and said, This is what I want. This is the life I want to build.

And instead of feeling happy, I feel like I am hurting and disappointing everyone I love.

Part of me keeps thinking: Am I being selfish? Am I really abandoning them? Should I sacrifice my own happiness because they are getting older?

Or do I finally need to accept that other people's disappointment doesn't necessarily mean I'm doing something wrong?

I honestly don't know anymore.

If you were in my position, what would you do?

Would you follow your dream of having your own home and marriage, knowing your parents and in-laws are hurt and disappointed?

Or would you stay another year — or indefinitely — to keep everyone else happy, even though you know you are deeply unhappy?

I would really appreciate honest perspectives, especially from people who have dealt with living with in-laws or similar cultural/family expectations.