AIO? Starting to resent my MIL since falling pregnant
So maybe I just need to rant and be calmed down by strangers, maybe it’s the pregnancy hormones, but ever since telling my MIL that we are having a baby, I’ve been slowly coming to resent her. For reference, I’ve know my MIL for almost 6 years now and we’ve had a good relationship up until now.
At first, my husband and I were very excited to share with our close families that we were expecting and everyone had great reactions. We shared early, at 7 weeks, but made sure to emphasize that we didn’t want to go public with the info yet, knowing the risks of miscarriage but that we wanted our families to know for support at this early stage. Nevertheless, my MIL started to beg both me and my husband to know when SHE could finally break the news to the rest of the family and her friends. We kept telling her that we would like to wait until the start of the second trimester after we get genetic tests done. She ended up pushing, saying we should at least tell her sisters because she talks to them everyday and can’t keep a secret like this. So we did at 10 weeks just to make her happy.
Also, she immediately asked me what gifts she can buy us as soon as we announced. We thanked her for the very kind offer but said we’d like her to wait until at least the second trimester and ideally for a suitable occasion (e.g. baby shower) to offer gifts because we don’t have the space yet (we’re moving in a few weeks to a bigger place). I told her to feel free to start getting stuff if she would like, but to keep them at her place for now. We set the same boundaries with all family and friends and everyone has respected this. Except for her. Every time I have seen her since announcing, she has given us multiple gifts (clothes, pacifiers, even massage oil…). She says they don’t count as gifts because she is the grandmother and can give whatever she wants, whenever she wants to her grandchild (I should mention, this is her first grandchild). She also said she wants to “reserve” gifts to buy (e.g. a baby carrier) so that my mom doesn’t buy it first. This is most likely because I have mentioned that I would like my mom to help me in the first few days after birth (because she’ll take care of ME) and my MIL says it doesn’t make sense because my mom works full time (she will take time off when the baby comes) and my MIL doesn’t work so I should be with my MIL after birth. While I understand her being upset about missing those first few days, I need to prioritize my recovery first (which my mom will do).
For now, most of all of this can come down to the excitement she feels about becoming a grandmother and I sympathize. She also regularly texts me to ask how the baby is doing and insists on knowing when and where all my appointments are so she can be the first to know how it went. I have tried to avoid telling her because what if I get bad news? I don’t want her calling me while I’m working through it. I just try to tell her that I’ll tell her when I’m ready but she’s very pushy.
The last straw was a few days ago. I went in for my 13 week scan, finally made it to the second trimester after a rough first one. It went well and of course she called us right away to know how it went. She also knew that we had found out the gender (it was through the nub theory though, so it’s not 100% sure). I asked my husband not to tell her (or anyone) because it’s not 100% sure yet and I would like to some sort of fun gender reveal.
However, a few hours after sending a scan image to my family, my mom texted me privately to say she thinks she knows the gender from the image (she knew how to read the scan). I didn’t confirm her suspicion and I told her to keep it to herself which she said she would. But I told my husband and he mentioned on the phone to my MIL that my mom has guessed correctly. She was angry because she thought it wasn’t fair for her to not know. She pushed my husband (without knowing I could hear her) to tell her. I eventually stepped in saying that I didnt confirm my mom’s suspicions and that I didn’t want to share yet because it wasn’t sure and I wanted to do a gender reveal once we know for sure. She said she just NEEDS to know because she needs to buy the right clothes based on gender. I told her that’s the whole point: we’re not sure yet so please don’t buy gendered clothes (which is easy these days). She then laughed and said I had revealed the gender because only girls have gendered clothes (i.e. dresses) and I’ve said too much because now she knows. I don’t agree with her but it is the case that the baby is a girl so my husband confirmed. I was furious and felt like all my boundaries and desires are constantly being pushed by her because she believes she has extra rights as the grandmother. Im grateful for the gifts and the fact that she’s excited but I’m scared about what it’ll be like when the baby comes. She doesn’t work, as I said, so she has mentioned moving in with us once I go back to work so she can look after the baby full time (we can afford childcare, I don’t need to live with my MIL). Sorry for the long rant and there are more things but how do I handle this? AIO?