u/pctopgs

I'm 35M and I feel awkward about how things are with my bio dad and my stepfamily (dad, stepmom, and half-siblings). I have no kids of my own. My bio mom passed away 10 years ago, so my closest family in terms of "next of kin" would technically be my dad and his family. I want to connect more with them, but we live completely separate lives. I haven't seen my dad face-to-face in 20 years. We've always lived a couple of states apart, making it impractical to just drop by and catch up.

I’ve known my stepmom since I was around 8 years old, so she isn't a complete stranger (I actually still call her "auntie" to this day). However, I've never met my half-siblings. They were born right around the time I was graduating high school. Now the oldest half-sibling is about to graduate high school herself, and we still haven't met.

I feel a mix of emotions about all this: sadness, longing, jealousy, awkwardness, and uncertainty. While I'm fully independent and have my bio mom's side of the family for support, I do love my dad very much. I never actually lived with him during my childhood. He would come visit and we'd have fun times, but I don't know what it's like to share a household with him. It’s an experience I really wish I had growing up. I don't know his likes, dislikes, pet peeves, or hobbies. My half-siblings know my dad much better than I do, which makes me feel a bit sad and maybe a little jealous. The jealously comes from the fact that for my entire childhood (from toddler to teen) my dad could have the time or space to have me live with him, but also has time to raise my step siblings into adulthood with no interruptions. It also makes me feel unwanted as a child.

I want to connect with the whole family, but since my dad hasn't seen me since I was 16, I don't know what the dynamic would be now that I'm a grown adult. I really wanted him to have a greater impact on my life while I was still growing up. If I go visit them, I worry I’ll feel like a complete outsider. I don't even know if they consider me part of the family since I wasn't raised in that household. To keep it real, I’m also worried about disappointing my dad when he sees the adult I’ve become.

On a practical note, I have a bunch of money. Technically, if I die, that money would go to my dad and the stepfamily. That feels awkward to me because I don't know how my dad manages money, and our few phone interactions have raised some doubts about it.

I'm not entirely sure what advice I'm looking for if there is any advice to give..

I'm a 35M, and I grew up around nothing but tidy people. I was raised mostly by my mom, and she was a clean freak. I also lived with my grandma and aunt and uncles for several years, and they were clean freaks too. There’s not a single day I remember growing up where any of my family members left something out of place. I also have a military background, so it’s not like I’m unfamiliar with the concept of tidiness.

I just don’t feel the urge to tidy up and maintain a clean living space. I mean, I feel the urge when it’s something like a spilled drink on the floor, but if it’s something like shoes being out of place, I don’t feel compelled to get up and put them where they belong.

https://preview.redd.it/uotvfejv940h1.png?width=781&format=png&auto=webp&s=4539ae343dcdb8e4e065f93f48b9de7b4c56ec31

I suspect it will drop by a lot on Monday though

I sometimes see posts looking for emergency payday loans, and my response is usually to discourage that entirely. However, the response I get is that I shouldn't try to discourage them from making this financial decision because that's not what they asking for and they've made up their minds and don't care about the consequences. Then I would see other post of people who are neck deep in payday loan debts, but they would say "I know I made a dumb choice so I don't need a lecture". So now I see a pattern of not listening both before and after the damage is done. It's sort of like Icarus that thinks he has a handle on the situation and won't listen to folks who are more experienced. So they fall into the same cycle of not listening to anything except what they want to hear, but the thing they want to hear will only bring further damage that's already being done. The problem is the money, yes, but the bigger problem is only listening to what confirms their current impulse. And at this point I wonder if it's even possible to steer people away from making bad decisions for themselves, or should I just watch them make the decision because there is nothing that can be done?