u/peachjojo

After 18 months of hypomania, med induced mania and psychosis, followed by a depressive episode I barely survived, I'm finally crawling out of this black hole and seeing the light. Thanks to finding the right meds, I feel almost like myself again. Not 100%, but the most stable I've felt in the past year and a half.

I lost a lot of weight during my manic episode. I physically could not eat. Appetite came back a little during my depressive episode. Started an antipsychotic that is considered weight neutral and I actually had a huge decrease in appetite the first couple weeks. Now that I've increased my dose and feel really good at this dose, I can't. Stop. Eating. Like absolutely no self control. All I think about is food. I wake up in the middle of the night and binge eat in the kitchen. I eat junk all day. When I'm sleeping, I dream about food. I haven't gained any weight yet, but I know where this is going.

The people that I've reached out to for support just tell me to stop eating. I've lost weight using a calorie deficit. I know how it works. But I genuinely feel like there is a force working against me, I can't just stop eating.

I've been looking into GLP1s. I tried ordering online and in the questionnaire, it asked me if I had a history of psychosis. When I answered yes, it said I didn't qualify. I asked my psychiatrist about GLP1s and she didn't recommend it, saying theres evidence showing they affect dopamine.

I do seem to be sensitive to meds and honestly any changes. But I can't live my life like this. GLP1s seem like the easy answer, but I'm just now feeling better. I'm terrified to do anything to mess that up.

How do people deal with the insatiable hunger???

I'm really hoping I'm not alone in this.

Last year, I became obsessed with books. Like, obsessed. Specifically with fantasy. I spent thousands on physical books, special edition books, custom bookshelves, then eventually a writing program because I was convinced I was going to be the next J.K. Rowling. (Depsite any experience writing). I stopped eating and sleeping. I now realize that was hypomania. Then it tipped into mania when I lost touch with reality and thought that characters from books were real and they were in love with me. Started an SSRI because I was told it was anxiety. And we all know how that goes.

So now I'm working towards getting stable. Not there yet, but adjusting meds. The weird thing is, even the thought of picking up a book sends me into a full blown anxiety attack. Everything that makes me think of a book or characters has me curling into a ball, panicking. I have all these books and shelves in my house, and since I made it my entire personality, people are constantly talking to me about books. I literally can't even have a conversation about it!

I feel insane. I just want to pick up a book and read. I feel like I'm the only person experiencing this. Has anyone else felt triggered by their past manic obsessions?