u/peerlessbells

In the early morning of Wednesday, I got up like any normal person and went to make some food. My mom came in screaming for my little brother because she was upset and thought he had slept in.

She couldn’t find him anywhere until she went into her own room. Suddenly, I heard her screaming very loudly, saying his name over and over again. My uncle ran to see what happened and he started screaming too, while my mom and uncle ran completely out of the house. I quickly ran into the hallway just as my older brother came out of his room, and we both went together to find out why they were screaming.

We went into my mom's room. It smelled weird. I didn't notice him at first, until I walked to the side a bit and then I saw him.

He was sitting on my mom's bed, face down on a rolling desk. Blood was dripping down his face, his glasses were broken, and he was still in his school uniform. My older brother immediately ran out of the room, but I just stayed there staring. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. My very first thought was just, he's asleep. But hearing my mom screaming outside snapped me out of it.

I ran outside, held her, and kept saying, "Oh mom get up, please get up mom." Then I saw her phone and heard the 911 operator on the line. I took the phone from her and I was shaking so hard I couldn't even form a thought, but I told them my brother committed suicide.

My older brother took the phone from me while I ran back inside to grab my own phone.

I was going to run right back out, but for some reason, I ran straight to where my little brother was. When I got to him, I finally started to cry and completely break down. I started saying his name, and then I remembered that my older sister was staying with my dad at the moment and needed to know. I quickly called her and told her everything.

As I was walking out of the room, I saw my older brother's girlfriend coming out of his bedroom, and I told her, "Do not go in here." as I closed the door behind me. I don't know if she decided to peek or not.

I ran back outside, but then I saw my older brother run back in, so I followed him into my mom's room again. He was talking to the operator, who was asking if he thought my younger brother was still alive.

I just stood there staring at my younger brother's corpse while my older brother put his hand on his back. I kept wondering if maybe he really was just sleeping, or if maybe I was dreaming and none of this was real.

What happened after was so weird. Suddenly I was standing outside on the porch, and time felt like it was moving so fast. I was just staring at the ground, unable to think. Family members started arriving, and someone came up to get information from me. I tried to talk as best as I could, but I really couldn't. The officers were just staring at me. I felt so empty. They moved me farther away, and then I saw the ambulance leave without taking my younger brother. That was the exact moment I knew he was dead, and I knew I was never getting him back ever again.

The medical examiner and the crime scene crew came and took his body. I cried and shook, feeling completely useless. I remember wondering if I should bring them his blanket so he wouldn't be cold. My mother was screaming, asking him to forgive her, and kissing my little brother's head. A police officer came over to ask more questions, looked at me, and told my older brother to watch me because I looked like I was in really bad shock.

Once the police left, me, my oldest brother, and the rest of our family ran back into the house. We all went down the hallway into my mom's room, and when the door opened, we saw that they hadn't cleaned up any of the blood. I started crying so loudly, and everyone else was crying too. My older brother had to force me to leave because he didn't want me looking at it anymore. I just cried loudly as I ran away, and everything else became a blur.

A little later, my cousin came out of the house carrying the rolling desk, and I helped her take it outside. Right then, my mom tried to grab a gun to shoot herself in the head. Everyone rushed to stop her, but she begged them and said,

"How can I live after this? It's all my fault! I left the gun!"

I looked down at the table and realized there were pieces of my brother's brain left on the desk. My cousin left me outside, and I just started sobbing, asking "why? why didn't he talk to me?"

A few weeks ago I found out that he had been self harming, and I cried, told him I loved him, and told him to talk to me when he felt sad, but he never did.

Standing by that desk, I started trying to grab his brain pieces because I thought that maybe I could put them back. And before I knew it, my hands were covered in his blood.

I couldn't stop crying. I ran to the front of the house just as my sister pulled up with my aunt and grandmother. As soon as my grandmother got out of the car, I hugged her and just started screaming. I screamed that I saw him, I saw my brother, and that he had blood everywhere.

Afterward, my grandmother took me to her house, and that's where I am now.

It has been two days since my little brother committed suicide, and I am completely stuck. I cannot sleep, and I can’t even try to eat without instantly seeing his corpse and his brain matter. The images just won't leave my head. I have the worst headache of my life, and my eyes burn so badly from crying non stop.

The guilt is absolutely eating me alive. I feel like I was a horrible useless big sister to him, and I know I am going to carry the weight and the guilt of this for the rest of my life, I knew he was suffering and why am I asking "why didn't he talk to me?" when it should have been "why didn't I talk to him?".

I slept for about an hour yesterday and when I woke up I immediately thought everything was a nightmare so I quickly tried to text my little brother just for me to be pulled back to reality quickly.

I am supposed to graduate today, but there will be no celebration. I just feel an overwhelming amount of grief and horror. I am so exhausted, and I just want my baby brother back.