u/perpetualinsurance

hi there! posting as I’m new to poly relationships and could use some feedback. so I (F29) recently started dating someone (F34) who Ive known for many years to be polyamorous. Before we started dating we shared our feelings for each other and she reiterated that she was poly, and though her other relationship was long distance, new, and complicated, that she wouldn’t want to pursue things with me if I wasn’t comfy with that. I told her that I was absolutely fine with that, and that a poly relationship was preferable to me right now, though Ive been comfortable in monogamous relationships too.

We were casually seeing each-other for a little while, and she ended up breaking things off with her other partner. I was always super supportive of her other relationship, though it was very out of sight out of mind for me, and I wasn’t wanting to pry into their business. I think her other relationship wasn’t going to work even before I entered the picture as neither of them were wanting something long distance.

It’s been a while since then, and we’ve said I love you’s and she asked if she was my girlfriend. I was of course, so happy to say yes. I totally adore her.

I told her that we should talk about what it means for us to be serious in a poly dynamic, and that we should take some time to figure out what we both want from that, and get together to talk about that soon. then she expressed that she hasn’t been feeling very polyamorously towards me, and that the thought of me being with other people makes her feel a bit uncomfortable.

Im super surprised and not sure now what Im wanting. I have been in many monogamous relationships in the past, but also 2 open relationships before. While polyamory is new to me, it is something that really interests me. I was hoping she’d sort of be able to guide me as she’s more experienced than I am in poly relationships.

I likely could be super happy being monogamous with her, but feel a little blindsided, and might prefer being poly with her? Im worried now that we’re so in love and established in our relationship, that this could mess everything up. We haven’t gotten together to talk about poly stuff yet and Im not sure what to say.

Im so so so in love with her, and worried I might hurt her if I express that I was really excited to be poly with her, and Im worried she might feel she’s not enough for me, or that I don’t enjoy our sexual dynamic or something. I wish we had talked about things earlier, but I was sorta going with the flow and thought she’d bring up the poly stuff first knowing that Im pretty inexperienced.

I was monogamous with my last partner and they were extremely jealous, controlling and accusatory with me, so I think there’s a part of me that still walks on eggshells surrounding the topic of having other lovers, as my last partner would’ve lost their mind on me.

Anywaysss, any advice? has this happened to you before?