u/pikoubird

so basically I'm a pre-top surgery trans guy who also hasn't started T yet due to complications with pre-existing hormonal imbalances and other reasons that aren't necessary to explain in this post.

and for a while my fashion sense was very "hawaiian print button-down shirt / plain polo and khaki shorts" because that's what the guys wear around here. but then I realized that doesn't feel like 'me' anymore, and I don't consider myself particularly passing so I realized what's the use in trying to wear "cis guy clothes" when it's not bringing me any joy?? (more power to anyone who dresses like that btw, it's just not my personal style!!)

anyway I've wanted to experiment with makeup again for a while, which I've been avoiding because "why use makeup when that'll just make you look more fem." oh what a fool I was. about a month or so ago I decided to finally stop at the walgreens near my house to buy an eyeliner pencil, just the cheapest brand in case I ended up hating it.

I looked up a tutorial on yt (specifically gerard way's) and I applied it to my lower waterline. his advice was basically to lay it on thick at first and then rub most of it off, and as soon as I applied it I was like hooooly shit oh my god. one of my first gender envy characters ever was Rodrick Heffley and to see myself resemble him just a *little* bit was affirming in such a silly way. since then I've been applying my eyeliner like that every day and I feel incomplete without it. I can't believe *eyeliner* of all things has brought me more joy than any binder or packer ever has. I finally feel 'guy' in the way that I want to.

since then I've been trying to dress more alternative. I bought a few accessories from Hot Topic and then decided they were too expensive and to just start making my own. I'm pretty clueless when it comes to sewing or anything of the like so I'm learning slowly, but I'm really excited to explore this new chapter of my self expression :)

sorry for the wall(s) of text but this feels like a huge victory to me even if it's so minor. I've been saving up for a better binder for ages and it's been really hard with all my other expenses, so to be able to find gender euphoria in a cheap stick of eyeliner is rly awesome for the time being.

if anyone has any similar stories they want to share in the comments of little unexpected ways they've found gender euphoria then lmk :D i am truly living my Rodrick moment. yay

since getting into her music I have never ever found another artist that gives me chills the way underscores' music does. it's actually insane

I probably sound silly and dramatic but I'm so serious about this, specific parts of a lot of her songs (especially from wallsocket) make me want to cry?? even the tracks that arent sad?? like I can feel my nose stinging like I'm about to cry. I don't know WHAT she puts in there man. gives me a literal bodyfeeling

the most notable ones for me:

- the bridge of Seventyseven dog years but especially the part where the beat kicks in at "you must've forgotten those dogs of yours"
- the entire second half of Geez louise (probably my favorite song from the album)
- the little melody that plays after the line "I know when your mom leaves" from YDEKWIA
- Northwest zombie girl, from the lyric "and after a month the girl drove to her spot" and on
- "I know you are something new" at the end of The fish song
- the "nobody knows you, but I'd be embarrassed if they did" part of Tongue in cheek
- around the 2 minute mark of Hollywood Forever

anyway does anybody else have specific parts of underscores songs that make them SO fucking emotional??? umm uh leave your answers in the comments belowww🎶