Why does it feel like I was in the wrong?
I'm (41F), and I just need to vent. For the past several years, my husband has not had a job. I have been paying all of the bills. Before he was fired (still not sure why, story vary a lot, being a bully was one of them) that he made 3x what I make but we spilt everything 50/50. For years, I believed he was looking for a job. I would cry to him about how stressed I was, and he would just say he is doing all he can. Most of the time when I get stressed, sad, frustrated, I was told I was bringing him down and that if I wasn't the happy go lucky, and not allowed him to do whatever he wanted, he feels so bad he can't look for a job. So, he pretty much played computer games for years while telling me he was looking for a job. All the while I had to go to work, come home deal with dinner, dog, and sometimes cleaning. Household chores were 80/20, with 80% on me and only 20% him (I am being extremely nice with giving him 20%). He is a diagnosis narcissist, but he thinks the dr was wrong about his diagnosis.
Now the real reason I need to vent. A few weeks ago, he spent a good 2 hours telling me how horrible I am, that I do not do anything for him, that I need to listen to him and agree and not talk back, and how he will not look for a job until I start stroking his ego. At this point I had no energy to comment on, so I just let it go. The next day when I got home, I mowed the lawn and started cooking dinner. While I was cooking, we ended up having an argument about something so stupid. He thought what he was saying was right without listening to what I was saying.
The fight escalated really fast, where he ended up choking me to the point I couldn't breathe. After that he pulled a knife on me. At this point he took my phone from me and started yelling he wanted me out of the house and dragged me by the hair. He ended up calling 911 because in his mind he was not doing anything wrong and told the operator I was having a mental break. He thought that would work because I take medication for anxiety. Cops came and arrested him, and I got an EPO.
After all that, it feels like I am the only one constantly getting punished. His family member bailed him out the same night. I had to go to work the next day, and work like nothing happened. 2 days later, water heated broke, 3 days after that my check engine light comes on, traffic to work has gotten worse, dealing with Dallas cops with a hit and run. Divorce is in my future, financially it might have to wait a few months. Glad we never had kids.
The last serval years it just feels like I'm being punished for trying to keep everything together. I feel like a failure. Okay I'm off to have a good cry and take whatever crap life sends my way.