22-year-old son living at home after finishing school struggling with responsibility, motivation, and follow-through. How do we set boundaries without constant conflict?
My 22-year-old step son is living at home with us after recently finishing school a few weeks ago. He currently has a part-time job (about 2–3 shifts a week), but he doesn’t seem to be actively pushing toward full-time work or consistently applying for more stable employment.
His main priority seems to be gaming, and he is also smoking weed (which is legal where we live), but it’s clearly becoming an issue in terms of motivation, routine, and responsibility. He has also been oversleeping and has been late for a job that his dad helped him get after he was fired from his previous one.
At this point, we feel like we’re constantly reminding, managing, and trying to motivate him, and it’s creating a lot of frustration and tension in the household.
Starting June 1, we want him to start contributing financially, including paying rent and his cell phone bill. He is already responsible for his car insurance and gas.
We’re also planning to assign more consistent household expectations, but we’re struggling with what is actually reasonable for a 22-year-old. We’re looking for ideas or suggestions for things he can do consistently during the week that don’t require constant reminders (for example chores or responsibilities that are appropriate and sustainable).
We’re struggling with two main things:
What are reasonable expectations and responsibilities for a 22-year-old living at home?
What consequences actually work when someone is unreliable and doesn’t follow through, without turning everything into constant arguments?
We don’t want to control him or create constant conflict, but we also can’t continue in a situation where everything depends on us reminding him or stepping in.
Any advice from people who’ve dealt with adult children in a similar situation would be really appreciated.