u/poisonplant777

Hello all,

I’m still very fresh in my grief and my loss was only three weeks ago. My beautiful baby Mila. I miss her so much it hurts. I feel like I died when she died.

I’m struggling because I keep trying to relive the memories of my extended hospital stay prior to her birth, the memories from labor and her delivery, and the memories from her time in the NICU. But it’s like my brain is blocking me from accessing a lot of them. And they don’t feel clear, they feel cloudy. I’m terrified I’m losing the memories, and I don’t want to. I want to remember every detail (even the extremely traumatic ones). Because those are all a part of her story.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Could it just be my brain’s response to grief and it trying to protect me? For those who have experienced this, have you found a way to allow those memories to surface?

I will never forget my baby girl, but I don’t want to lose the memories as they help me feel closer to her

It’s been 1 week and 1 day since I lost my daughter Mila. She was born at 26w4d after I had a 3 week hospital stay due to cervical insufficiency, on total bed rest, lying flat trying to do everything to keep her in and safe. Not even getting up to use the restroom. She got the steroids for her lungs (two rounds) and I was on IV magnesium during my first 24 hours in the hospital and in the hours leading up to her delivery. I received antibiotics as a precaution due to how dilated I was when I first got to the hospital and her exposed bag of water. She was big for a 26 weeker.

She came out so strong and vibrant. She was able to be placed on my chest for one minute after delivery to do delayed cord clamping and she looked up at me and cooed at me. She was put on bubble CPAP and taken to the NICU where she did so well. They wheeled me to see her as soon as they could, and the NICU team let me hold her hand and she opened her eyes and looked over at me. The NICU team told me to go rest as we would have a long journey over the next few months. The NICU team was amazing, but ultimately I was called to bedside later that night and was wheeled in to see them coding my daughter. Loads of blood products, Epi, bicarb. 15+ people working on saving my daughter’s life. I was so weak I couldn’t walk yet, but I stood up to be by my daughter, so she could smell and see me. I held her hand and she came back for 10 minutes before another code. And then another. And another. And another. They put her on my chest as a last ditch effort to see if she improved. She fought and fought and ultimately passed away peacefully on my chest. This is such a small part of her story. Septic shock from E. Coli took her from us. The doctor already had given her two types of antibiotics as she suspected infection. Blood cultures show the bacteria was susceptible to these antibiotics. It wasn’t enough, my girl was fighting as hard as she could but the infection was too much for her. And no one on the team can figure out where she got the infection from. We had 8.5 hours with our sweet girl.

How do I cope? Life feels so bleak. All I want to do is share every detail of her story with everyone and yet I feel protective of her and struggle to speak her story. I feel so empty physically and mentally without her. I feel like I failed her somehow. We were supposed to be visiting her in the NICU and now we’re planning her arrangements so she can rest in a way that honors her. I feel sick. I miss her so much it hurts. I know time will change how I handle the grief, and I know she wouldn’t want me miserable, but I never want to get better. Every minute that passes is torture knowing I’m further away from those times I got to be by my girl. Not sure what I’m looking for in posting this, it feels good to get a little bit of her story out there.