u/polarsnowbunny

First serious D-Day was in February this year, second was only a week ago, with a big disclosure that I'm not ready to write about only a few days ago.

I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I'm so so tired. I can't focus. I'm a big reader but I can't read more than a page of a book before my brain shuts down. My throat feels scratchy and I've had a low-level headache for days now.

He is finally taking serious steps to address his problem, and for now I do believe that I know the full extent of his escalations. I feel closer to him than I have in years, but even further from myself. Why do I feel so broken?

How can I support myself through this?

The trickling down of truths, the snippets here and there, and looking into my face and promising on everything he cares about that there was nothing else to admit to.... WHY??

Why do they do it? Why not give me and our relationship the respect it deserved and be honest as soon as the first cracks show? The damage is so much deeper now because he lied about *not lying* as well as about his addiction.

He's a really intelligent person, and it makes no sense to me.

This is my first post here, and my first time sharing this anywhere.

My partner and I have been together for 16 years, and we're mainly happy. When it happens, sex is very good.

I've never insisted that he not watch porn, but he has always claimed not to, and claimed that since we got together he stopped masturbating. I always found this odd but since he knew I didn't mind either way I assumed he had no reason to lie.

A few years ago after he turned down my sexual advances one night, he revealed that he couldn't perform because he'd recently climaxed on his own. I felt stupid and naive to have ever believed he didn't do that, and frustrated because it felt like I wasn't allowed to feel hurt by his lying since I don't have a problem with masturbation itself. He was apologetic and explained that due to an uptight and controlling childhood he feels a great deal of shame surrounding sex and hates himself for doing it. I was supportive and just said that if him doing it recently means it'll impact on his ability to perform with me then at least let me know so I don't set myself up for rejection.

Communication improved but our sex life didn't. He acknowledged that he was self-pleasuring but was cagey and defensive about revealing how often, and so my confidence took a hit and I became increasingly insecure about initiating intimacy. I asked if he used porn and he said "sometimes" which added to my insecurities. He seemed so ashamed and guilty and sad about it all that I shoved my feelings to the side and tried to be supportive.

I suggested that to help with his shame and guilt, maybe we could make a few - private - videos of me that he could 'use' in place of the online content he felt so awful about. He agreed and seemed really touched by the idea. So we did.

For a while after that, things felt better. The intimacy of making the videos themselves brought us closer and he seemed less ashamed of his own sexuality and libido. Our communication was great and we were having sex more often.

And then it just... stopped. Our sex life tanked. He claimed his age was causing ED (he was 40 at the time) and I was putting unrealistic expectations on him to perform.

Eventually it came out that he was using our homemade porn a LOT. Far more than he ever used online videos. And he now had PIED.

By using videos that showed his partner, he was able to bypass the guilt and shame he felt previously, and so he did so completely freely and enthusiastically, unaware that the effects of PA don't discriminate based on what is on the screen itself.

And now I feel so incredibly confused. The blaming me for putting pressure on him contributing to his ED, the years of needless lying before all this about masturbation, my own sexual insecurity and frustration.. I'm so exhausted.

And given the nature of the PA, I resent *myself* as the person in those videos. She doesn't feel like *me*, she's just another anonymous shell that gives him a 'quick fix'. I hate her and I hate that she's me and I hate that something we did together and brought us so much closeness at the time has become disposable and cheap.

I feel like I don't fit in with other people in this position and that it's entirely my fault. If that's the case then I'm sorry for posting, but thank you for reading. ❤️