u/pook03_

My thoughts stick together like glue. They have no meaning or purpose. Today is the same as all other days. I see the world from your point of view.

i look down at. myself and see nothing but a man made of depression. I have no redeeming qualities.

I just wish people saw me for who i was. rather then who i pretend to be. No that's not right either. None of it os right anymore and i should just stpp being so dissonant and confused.

My world is held together by sticks and stones. It feels distant. Like you're looking through a hole in the ground. The loneliness is beautiful and quiet but intoxicatingly loud and all consuming. Put on a gas mask and run from the slowly all consuming voids in your life.

Please don't hurt me anymore.

Today i was drawing and i used some references. Forbidden images that reminded me of the pain i went through. It's too hot in my room again and my sensor isnt coming for a few days. but we're getting a : it's nonchalantly not your fault : goodhello

Tweaking at something you think you aren't and wanting to throw a tequila bottle aren't the same thing. I'm stalking someones childhood because i am jealous i wasn't apart of it basically.

They told me i was lying about these things. but I'm just so tired. I merged in with the painting and i wish i could have drawn as good as you.

The reason why i'm tired is that i can only be up at night because im a miserable loser so i have to stay up.

Ego is the only reason why im still here tbh. I also just feel too fucking tired to do anything.

I wish i could have been real in such a vibrant way but i got nothing LOL im fake and also nothing

it's all dreamlike and far away. at least in its current form sadness will find me again. the truth eats at me.

Step away from dead seagulls lie and take advantage of me.

Dopamine breakers battered dead seas

Ahahaha relax and you might end up like me.

I've been struggling because i'm too relaxed and quiet. I'm an agoraphobic clown man with no friends. my dearest is a crazy set of dreams that will never exist.

I'll just go into hibernation because I FEEL LIKE EXPLODING.

the chemicals in your head as "neurophetmentine " you pressed the block button on that one don't even talk

I love pandora but the cost is my entire mental health. I love the drywall because it reminds me of how stupid i am.

I can tell you why I'm stupid. It's because i love flash games! I grew up with point and click and now it's all gone.

I am a clown man with no friends. Life is a fuck. If only you knew how bad things really are.

It feels like an anvil crushed everything i ever knew and loved

My best friend is albert ei. I have nothing going for me in that regard.

Projected ego and my head hurts STOP PRETENDING TO BE PHILOSOPHERS.

They can't do it and i cant do it.

Life is measured in how far you've strayed from god. I've basically wandered out of the building as a homeless man.

There is no god in my world. Only a nasty sharpiness that will shock you.

My dreadful

Ahaha relax you might end up like me.

:It's all your fault: Self hatred follows me in life and in death: we'll be friends in another life: i just wanted you as you were: i just didn't want you to see me in a broken crystalline with no structure: i wish i didnt lack the capability of someone smarter: i just wish the neurons would fire in your honor: i just want to see your pale white hair and black eyes again: i just wish: Very severe eaten gods and your toolbox has no friends and no moves.

: even back then you were called "your mother wants a late abortion" AHAHA FUNNY

the next life.. it hates me like a best friend and i eat all alone at the lunch table for so many days in a row.

I'm in shock again. I was dreadful and forever doubted! I hope i bleed out on the side of the street.

Go away and tomorrow youll find the truth (misery) Ahaha My head in a horrible thing.

It's all so gross and disgusting. such is the way of life.

The original title of this post was smthn else but then i realized i wasnt living. it was a sob story but whatever

ive been feelin bad coz i know i have to wake up tomorrow

sorry if i sound edgy but i cant do this anymore. i put up an act for far too long. im an agoraphobic edgelord disguised as a clown.

I walk on stilts and it keeps on breaking.

It keeps on breaking. The logo basically allows . Neurons.

I am faithless towards the schools of surrounding stars they changed in abstractions. I am faithless towards the stars and eyes that come from them. I am faithless towards my outdated way of thinking. Turntables (reckless) stop faking it. Me. I could see it. It's me. It' was yours but then i held it. my heart in my hands Flashing streaks tell me what you truly meant. It's heartbreak. No one cares about it except for you. Even then it's debatable if it mattered. even tben it felt like every day was blowing in the wind. Why am i stuck playing the same games with ypu. why does it flow like this infinitely where i gwt so confussd. just listen to yourself speak. youll want to stay inside afraid of saying anything real. bitw from real apples and you will free yourself of this old feeling. everything has hurt since then because the rationality bomb struck that i would always have screamers in my head. literally nerfed by life lol. goodmorning heavenly existence. i will draw again tomorrow and it will be the same result as today. i am an agoraphobic clown child.

was i good enough

Sometimes you see a common belief of yours out in the wild. N its just like you cant pin down how to be sane.

You get all sorts of overemotion and people walk away past you.

I like speaking here because its away from the loud noises of society. but its so far away from anywhere i need to be. i dont like the city

I look at my face and see a disfigured individial

Trying to comnect these things together just makes people unfaithful to you even when you want commitment.

People just wanna hear how good the look for a confidence boost that they never had. Maybe the mimd is broken and dissuaded.

I suck at absolutely everything and can see my own life slipping from me.

Were you here to lie and manipulate me. or was it all just a mess in my head and i always think this way.

Ill stop being so kind one day and ill walk away and eat my unluckiness on a silver platter.

Im so fucking tired of this. The ringing in my ears wont ever stop and im just too stupid to do anything.

i try to fix things n they just get more broken

the only person i love is in hell and it doesnt fucking matter what i love because my love is loud and stupid.

what makes it worse is that im a dumbass

Im gonna squint my eyes and try to call you beautiful another time. Just kill me

Im the worlds greatest failure and i just liked how you looked to me especially from down here.

You could never see me because i was invisible to you so ill rot infinitely and its not even styled what i say

You did everything i could do but better.

Our drugged society couldnt even compete with you

We wasted our time in life n we'll meet in death

I'll visit you on your heavenly throne in the afterlife when i can finally see myself amd everythong will be fine.

Either way my head feels like death. it feels like someone cauterized my skull.

The infinite money generator in fake positivity is consuming reality but everything will be fine.

They bet on your fake positivity with their own time because thwyve got nothing going on themselves

We'll meet in death and ill remember you one day and everything will be fine.

We'll meet in death and ill remember you and everything will be fine.

I'm writing a story "that may inconsequentially allow you to see yourself" it's a little weird how similar we are when everything has gotten so fake. eat from my honesty.

i enjoy stepping into the great life i live . it is so colorful to hate unborn factories and loud thoughts like this. when theyre written down you can see just how disorganized and lazy they truly are. you (self hatred) ( its as it always was) i complimented you and it never mattered.

seeing the world as a clown boy has opened my eyes up to your light. im a clown and nothing more. you helped me see myself like that and everything will bee fiiinee

ill probably be back tomorrow because i feel like im on my hands and knees with a hand on my chest through the desert of eternal depression

Today ive been really hyper and stressed out so i didnt get anything done aside from the lighting in my art.

Basically i might

Its not really anyones fault that i am this way. its more like several forces combined.

People die in my head a lot and im really mentally ill sometimes. I see my entire world akin to a bleeding wound.

One day ill be break free from this mental state. One day.

I dont care for much of anything at all. Its so hard to care when you're told your entire life that you are a monster and undeserving of anything. Maybe you just start to believe it.

Maybe it's the daily anguish that hurts. Maybe its the fact that prople hate me so much. maybe because emotion is seen as weakness. maybe its because i have no friends. maybe its because the people i talk to dont like me. they see themselves somewhere else.

Ive kinda given up on taking life seriously in any real capacity. There are still things im serious about. but I dont feel anything. I'm numb and i just feel like a clown boy. I fully believe im a clown boy. At least thats my current perception of myself.

I want to make people laugh but all i feel is the sinking cement of the loud city around me. I'm no comedian either. I'm a clown with no makeup. I'm just me.

Things have gotten harder to see correctly. I genuinely think that i should get worse somehow. I want to punish myself and reality for making me feel so terrible.

The best way to describe the thoughtharm complex is that it feels like theres fully white dots above where you can feel your wrists. Its tingly and compressed. Then a thought will play where your arm is torn off. Then it feels like a rush of dopamine. Then the sadness and compression in your nape returns.

People think im that. no im crazy and transparent to cultural norms. im an alien from another dimension.

Youll ask yourself. Why are you this way? and the pain will return. it lives in extreme denial of the failures in our lives.

My head doesnt work in that wonderous way. It is beneath it. That's whats so confusing.

My art is the pinnacle of my dread. I was torn from my passion and forced into a new one. I'm going to make people feel how i feel. The art i will make will contain years worth of dread, and it will continue until im finally done.

Egocentrism is my god. It rules over me like an iron fist. No one can see me. I can see no one.

If seeing is pain i've shut my eyes fully to it. I will be a clown.

i wish there was a way to turn it off because there is no way in hell i can ever do this.

its overwhelming and wont stop. its repeating infinitely in my head. no one is capable of such things.

it just wont stop. i wake up and it hurts. i go to bed and it hurts.

i want to infect people with my heart. i want to bite someones neck off.

im ugly and i dont deserve your pity missus. i loved you. it was all for nothing anyways.

missus. what if i wrote you a love poem in my own blood. what if i got obsessed with you to an extreme degree.

burn it all in a fire. its all worthless anyways.

im not capable of obsession. only looking inwards and seeing my notes on how i am bad at everything.

ill crawl on the ground bleeding with a smile gaze on my face. knowing that youll always hate this version of me.

your hatred feeds the growing void in my heart. knowing why you hate me too is an additional cherry on top.

you think im weak. but i did what i could with what i had. i coughed my remains into the desert sand.

my thoughts for you are nothing but erotic and twisted fantasies. they extend like blood vessels outwards into the galaxy. consuming the stars and all light.

they made a nuclear waste disposal site. i called it love and ate the carcinogens from the landfills. a broken tv receptor was the most delicious thing i ate.

it burns with energies and conspiracies ive never had. lets figure this out someday.

let me kiss and admire you. please. im so obsessed. i just want to see you again.

all of the same nightmares play on repeat. its gonna happen again. and ill be the same miserable who cant speak. sorry sorry.

theres a certain happiness to the grass blades i cant explain. it's gonna hurt again either way.