Androphobia. Am I dommed?
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Since childhood I've been uncomfortable around men, it started as a shame factor where the typical rule of being a "good girl" meant 'don't look at men at all' I was a weird kid, sure and so I am not kidding when I say I've felt and still do feel disgusted at myself due to that shame.
I am shaking as I write this because I am losing my mind.
It's eating me alive...
It has engulfed me I am trying so hard to get out but I crash right back down all because of "samaj/society" I am tired and sick!
Like at this very moment my chest feels heavy and this isn't good I know, I need to tell my therapist but it's bad enough that I don't wanna tell them in detail. Yes I've been s'ad and yes I was not even aware that I am being assaulted..( I hope this doesn't get taken down by the mods now...)
College opened the window for me to have male friends before that my school had actually made it worse and the shame around men kept me rooted (separate buildings for both genders) but these guys, these absolutely perfectly SAFE Men! I randomly get this sudden wave of disgust from them, saw my friend's reflection in a mirror as he sat next to me and it gave me the most intense wave of disgust and anxiety I wanted to cry.
If I get shipped with a guy I am immediately scared of being associated with a man. I keep clearing up my name and when I saw my peers handle it with a shrug or just pure humour I was genuinely so bewildered because I never thought it would be that easy, cause it's not for me.
A crush is a nightmare because I realised that at my age having never had a boyfriend before I never considered how my fear would affect that aspect of my life, I currently do have a friend I am interested in and he sometimes causes me an insane amount of disgust which makes me guilty as hell. Not just him. It's everyone... literally everyone.
Any negative/misogynistic encounter leaves me drained and spent it's the worse part of this whole mess and I am trying to overcome it idk how it's been 18 years how the hell am I still so meek, the other girls are soo good with it they aren't afraid. It's not like I don't sit around men I do hangout but I can't enjoy it when my head is going "people are watching × 100" "your character" "you're disgusting" "they'll assume you're dating him"
Will I ever even have normal relationships with the men in my life? I have so many amazing friends who are totally safe but any moment I get teased about being their gf I am recoiled and just want to shut down or run away.
Any hope?