How do you stop being full of yourself
So I'm currently in my last year of high school, which I know is young so I'm aware a lot of people might say that I'm just young and a bunch of other stuff but that's not what I want, I'm very much aware of my age.
I just feel really frustrated right now because I feel like there's something wrong with me and I want to know why and how I can fix it.
When I say I'm "full of myself" I don't mean that I'm a narcissist or anything, in fact my self esteem is almost non existent lol. But it feels like I'm always trying to attention seek or always being bothered that I'm not as good as other people. I've always been like this since I was younger.
To elaborate more, for example if one of my friends or even not achieve something I haven't or can't I feel extremely jealous, which I understand might be natural but it's getting really annoying because I don't want to feel that way. Especially if they achieve something that I thought that I was good at, like doing better at a hobby/class that I thought was my thing. But apparently not because I'm just average. And I understand that it doesn't really matter whether someone else is better then you but I just can't stop feeling like shit about it.
Or if one of my friends are getting meds or going to a psychiatrist because of their bad mental health, my stupid brain makes it into a competition. Not that I ever act on it but it's always there at the back of my head. Like "but my mental health is so bad too, so why is that no one helps me?" or ESPECIALLY if I hear about how they're being physically affected by their mental health, like panic attacks, nausea, fainting, other very clear signs. Like why can't my body do that as dumb as it sounds
and I've vented to my friends before, they're very understanding and supportive of me, they've always been there and they do care about me so I don't understand why my brain can't just accept that. And I also empathise with their struggles, I really, really do want them to feel better and I'm also so proud of their achievements as well. And like i said before this is nothing new for me, when I was younger I used throw tantrums when someone won at a game or something. Like I always need to be the best.
The problem is I just feel the way I do despite trying to not. And I'm very self aware of everything so it's a constant fight between the rational and irrational part of my brain. I always like to think logically so it's annoying when I feel things that have no logic.
Even now I feel like I'm playing victim and the fact I said that I feel like I'm playing victim makes me feel like I'm playing victim more. I don't want sympathy I'm just frustrated because I don't understand whats wrong
Anyway that's it, thanks for reading. This wasn't meant to be a vent tho i realise it sounds like it lol