My brother killed himself and I’m not sad
you can probably guess why from the content warning. First time posting here, so please excuse if there’s a rule I’m not following.
When I was a young child, I was repeatedly sexually assaulted by my older brother for some time. I don’t remember the exact timeline, and I honestly don’t even want to figure it out. I just know I was young, sometime from around/during 4th grade and it stopped sometime before I entered middle school.
I’m 21 now. Never told anyone about it, even now. I don’t think I’ll ever tell my family.
I was openly no-contact with my sibling for a long time. My brother had many other mental health problems, so I had something else to justify me distancing myself from him on to my parents instead of the truth. My parents are genuinely kind and good people, and untimely respected my decision.
Whenever someone would ask if I had siblings, I said “no.”
My brother had tried to indirectly apologize to me every now and then when I was still a teenager, but I just brushed it off and firmly kept no-contact.
I’ve done a good job of coping over the years, but it’s something that’s haunted me. Ever since I realized I was assaulted as a child, I have wished to myself that my brother died or went missing and I never had to see or deal with him again.
I’ve wished for this more times than I can count. But I didn’t want it to come completely true, because I wouldn’t want my parents to experience the grief of loosing their first child.
When I woke up this morning, my mom and dad sat me down to tell me my older brother was found dead in his apartment via suicide yesterday. He was found by his landlord, and my dad got the call from the police.
I was shocked, and just hugged by parents while they cried and i told them I’m sorry. They said they know I wasn’t close to him, but he still loved me and I was his baby sister. I know that was true, I just don’t return the sentiment.
I feel so so bad for my parents right now. I sincerely hated my brother more than anything but I didn’t want my parents to suffer this. I think they’re dealing with it pretty well at the moment, and have a good support system with the rest of my family.
I don’t think his suicide completely surprises them, as he’s been dealing with mental problems for a long time like I mentioned.
I don’t exactly know how to feel myself at the moment. Im a bit numb. But a large part of me is utterly relieved that he’s gone. It’s like there’s this giant weight lifted off my shoulders and my conscious.
I’m not a religious person, and I don’t really believe in karma. I don’t think I manifested this or anything. I don’t think this is something the universe did for me. But, even just talking about my brother made me shut down, and now that he’s dead, I don’t really feel that burden anymore. He’s gone, forever. I won’t ever see him in person again. The person that abused me is dead.
Right now, I’m just mentally preparing myself for the future events you would expect from a death in the family.
There’s not really anyone I can confide in about this, which is why I’m posting to Reddit instead. If anyone else has experiences, please feel free to comment and share your story.