feel numb. I have a TFMR in a few days, and I don't know how to move forward.
I don't even know where to start. I feel numb, devastated, scared, and completely lost.
I have a TFMR scheduled in a few days, and I honestly cannot process what is happening to me. It feels like the whole world is moving forward as normal while my life is stuck in some horrible loop that I cannot escape from.
I was so excited for this pregnancy. After struggling to conceive, this baby was our miracle. I had so many dreams and plans for her. I imagined meeting her, holding her, bringing her home, and watching my husband become a father. I never imagined that I would be preparing to say goodbye to her before I even got the chance to meet her properly.
I'm terrified of the labour and delivery. I'm scared of the physical pain, the emotional pain, and everything that comes afterward. I keep thinking about going through all that pain and coming home without my baby. I know there is no easy way through this, but the thought of it breaks me.
I don't know how to exist in the world right now. Staying home makes me feel lonely and trapped with my thoughts, but going outside hurts too. Seeing pregnant women, newborns, and families with their babies reminds me of everything I'm about to lose. I want to be around people because I don't want to feel so alone, but being around people can hurt just as much.
Some days I cry, and other times I feel absolutely nothing. I don't know if I'm in shock or if my mind is just trying to protect me. I feel like a mess, and I don't know how to move forward with all this pain.
My husband is here for me, and I'm grateful for him, but I still feel so alone in this experience. Nobody around me can truly understand what it feels like to be preparing for the delivery of a baby you won't get to take home.
I'm not looking for anyone to tell me to be strong or that everything happens for a reason. I'm just trying to survive something I never thought I would have to experience.
If anyone has gone through a TFMR, especially later in pregnancy, how did you get through the days leading up to it? What helped you cope with the labour, the delivery, and the emptiness afterward? How did you learn to live with the grief?
I don't need to hear that time heals everything right now. I just need to know that I'm not alone, that someone else has felt this kind of pain, and that somehow I will be able to breathe again.
I miss my baby girl already, and she's not even gone yet.