u/procrastinateandstuf

Hi everyone, long time lurker, maybe first time poster here.

This isn't a post looking for advice or help with numbers. It's a post about how my personal approach to FIRE is partly to blame for the greatest failure and pain of my life. It's cautionary, and it repeats advice often given and I expect often ignored in this sub.

I'm 33M, wife 33F. Together 12 years, married 3. I've been on the FIRE path since about 25. Homeowner since 27. Current network (joint) around 500k - house equity 200k, S&S ISAs 140k combined, my pension 140k, her pension is a DB with unknown value, plus cash of around 20k. Earnings around 150k combined, and recently about to accelerate savings rate due to salary increases and wedding, house renovations being complete. All good and on track.

Then, 6 months ago wife tells me she is unhappy. I try to suggest therapy, changes, talking, but all seemingly too late, she is adamant that she is done. Now we're heading towards divorce and selling our house. I've been through things with a solicitor and a roughly 50/50 split seems most likely.

FIRE has always been much more my dream than hers. I've chased the high salary and high savings rate, while she's been much happier in her job and with spending money now. She was very much on board with the idea even though it was more for me than her.

The emotional side of it all is far worse than the financial side, but I feel like I stand to lose years worth of hard work and savings. I've contributed the majority to our networth over the years, but it likely to all be considered a marital asset. Sure, on my own I can be more aggressive with savings in the years to come, but that'll be offset by losing a significant amount of networth, and losing the financial benefits of sharing living costs etc. Again, it feels unimportant now compared to the idea of life without my wife.

The irony is that my pursuit of FIRE is partly to blame for this. There's the well known "Build the life you want and then save for it" post. I saw that, I knew that, and I still didn't take it seriously enough.

I just want to say this in case it helps anyone else - if you are sat on the sofa with your partner thinking about your savings rates and checking your investments or browsing this sub, or are reluctant to enjoy life today because of the fear of working tomorrow, then please stop and appreciate what you have. I didn't and it's the greatest regret of my life. I would trade my entire networth to have another chance at my relationship.

I don't expect any advice or sympathy, but I hope if you read this and have a partner you care about, make sure you cherish them instead of dwelling on 10+ years away. As is often said, automate FIRE, and get on with living today.

So, to cut a long story short, my wife and I have been together 12 years, married for 2. I thought everything was ok but about 6 months ago she told me she was unhappy and didn't want this any more. I'd noticed increasing distance and reduced intimacy in the few months before, but when I tried to talk about it she told me repeatedly everything was fine, she was just busy.

I don't understand her reasons and she's refusing to elaborate, but assured me there isn't someone else. It's been nearly 6 months now and she's still not asked for divorce or mentioned selling the house, but has moved out and mostly ignores my messages. She says she doesn't want to work through it.

I'm still reeling and very much attached, but starting to accept it likely is over, and looking to what is next for me. I don't know what to do. I thought we were about to start trying for children, and that something I still want, but the idea of dating and finding someone new is absolutely terrifying. I don't know how to meet people and trust someone enough for that on a timeframe that means kids before I'm 40. I don't know if I'll ever trust enough to get married again.

I really wanted those things in my life, a partner who was my best friend and kids. I have a stable job that pays well, but isn't particularly rewarding, and good friends and hobbies that I enjoy (when I'm not too depressed). I've created profiles on dating apps but in the kindest possible way, the people I see on there don't compare to my wife. I don't know what to do. Has anyone been through similar and have any positive stories they can share?