Breakup after 4 months HRT, feeling ugly and doubting everything
I broke up with my girlfriend yesterday, one year since we started dating, four months into HRT.
I made the decision after she told me her attraction to me had significantly dropped. I feel it in our dynamic, and even after letting some months for her to adjust, there's just no signs of hope.
Now I feel like I'm becoming less attractive to be around, both physically and because of the trans label and everything that comes with it. I feel like a toy we keep in the bedroom. And yet, when it comes to connection, I don't think I'll ever find someone like her again. I've never connected with anyone that fast before. It feels like I lost my soulmate.
Then there's this part of me that's confused about her feelings. She told me her type is more "straight girls." I don't know what to make of that. She's admitted she might have some internalized homophobia, which makes her unwilling to show affection in public. She'd said before that she wasn't sure she could be in a relationship with a trans person, given all the external judgment I'd face. She then said she was working on it, but I can't shake the feeling that something about the trans label itself makes me less attractive in her, and others eyes.
I know life doesn't end here, and there's still a lot ahead of me. But right now I genuinely feel uglier and less attractive, physically and socially, than I used to be.
I don't have many close friends right now, and I'm on a waitlist for more therapy. I have nothing planned for the summer. No job, no plans, no money.
This situation leaves me feeling very vulnerable. Like I've been thrown into a void without my main support. I'm having thoughts of stopping my transition, because of how unsupported everything feels right now, and because I'm grieving my old self in my own way. I'm genuinely confused about my identity through all of this, and sometimes I wonder if I'm really trans after all, even if I always thought I'd prefer to be born as a female.
I'm having dark thoughts too, without any real plan, it's not new, but they've been getting stronger lately, and it's leaving me more worried. I have a social worker appointment coming up soon, but I'm not sure what to expect from it.