i spent my whole life thinking i was asexual
I've identified as asexual for most of my life.
I've had relationships. I've experienced intimacy. I've kissed people and been physically close to people before. But honestly, a lot of it always felt forced. I could understand intellectually why someone might want those things, but I never really understood the feeling behind it.
I thought maybe that's just how I was.
Then I met her.
Over the past few months, our relationship has changed in a way I never expected. We became much closer, started understanding each other better, and eventually talked openly about what had happened between us before.
She told me that she had known I liked her for a long time. She also told me that she had been scared to do anything because my mental health was in such a bad place that she wasn't sure whether my feelings or intentions were stable. And honestly, looking back, I understand why she felt that way.
I've gotten much better since then. I'm finally feeling like myself again, and our relationship has become more intimate and comfortable.
And somewhere along the way, something happened that I genuinely never expected.
I started wanting her.
Not because I thought I was supposed to. Not because she expected it from me. Not because I was trying to make myself feel something.
I just... do.
I think about kissing her constantly. I want to be close to her. I want her presence. I find her beautiful in a way that feels completely different from anything I've experienced before.
She's not even ready for a kiss yet, and I'm completely okay with waiting. The fact that I can genuinely want something while also being perfectly willing to respect her boundaries is itself a strange new experience for me.
She's told me that she's thought about us dating, but she's an enormous overthinker and wants to be sure I'm the person she actually wants before taking that step.
And meanwhile I'm sitting here thinking, "How the hell did this happen?" 😭
I've spent so much of my life believing that I simply wasn't capable of feeling these things.
Now I'm questioning everything I thought I knew about myself.
Maybe I'm still somewhere on the ace spectrum. Maybe I'm demisexual. Maybe I'm experiencing romantic and sexual attraction in a way that's extremely specific to one person. Maybe I don't need to figure that out yet.
What I do know is that this feels real.
And strangely, the biggest thing I'm struggling with isn't even the attraction itself.
It's believing that someone could actually want me back.
I've had pretty severe self-esteem issues for a long time. My relationship with my body hasn't been great, especially after some recent changes in my weight and hormones. Part of me keeps waiting for her to look at me properly and realize I'm not worth wanting.
But she keeps getting closer.
So maybe I need to stop assuming that my own perception of myself is automatically more accurate than hers.
I don't know where this is going yet.
Maybe we'll eventually date. Maybe we won't.
But for the first time in my life, I'm experiencing attraction that doesn't feel like something I'm performing or forcing myself into.
It feels like something that is actually happening to me.
And honestly?
I'm kind of terrified.
But I'm also really happy.
I just never expected that my first experience of genuinely wanting someone would make me question my entire understanding of myself.