u/pumpkinpatchangel

I've never posted on Reddit before so if I do something wrong I'm sorry guys😭

For background I have recently started college and for the most part it's gone well. I've never really been interested in boys or relationships as they all generally seem dirty and annoying. I've made a lot of friends since starting but this story is about one girl I'll call Honey. When I first saw honey I was stood outside of class and I just remember thinking about how pretty she was and how she looks like the human embodiment of a deer. Everything about her was perfect her hair, her face, her style. And then she walked up to me with a bright smile in class and started talking. Seeing her smile at and gave me a feeling in my stomach I can only describe as butterflies but at the time I brushed it off as nerves from starting college.

After that we became friends quite quickly, slowly I found myself looking forward to the lessons I'd see her and dress better the days I knew she would be in. In my mind I just thought this was because we were just close friends but recently I realised it may be more.

I keep on thinking of her, everything about her. We were speaking the other day and I found myself genuinely getting lost in her eyes like a cringy rom-com protagonist. She was insulting how she looks and I've genuinely never been so confused on how the prettiest girl I've ever seen could be self conscious. Her beauty is so unearthly I can't find the words to describe it. We took a selfie in class and later in the day one of my friends saw it in my camera roll and he said,

"Wow...she's so pretty." And I got a sudden burst of jealousy from the idea of someone else having her but then I got too excited to talk about her I stopped caring about that and couldn't help myself but ramble about her beauty, her laugh, the way she sits in all chairs like they're the most comfortable things in the world, her kindness. And my friend asked if I had a crush on her and I said no I'm straight but now I'm wondering if I really am.

I've been an ally for most of myself and the majority of my friends are LGBTQ in some way and it doesn't change how I feel about them but I was raised in a very homophobic household and I don't know if I'd still be loved if I was this way. I don't want to be gay, I wish I could be a man so I could marry Honey and we could have children and raise them to be as caring, funny and beautiful as her.

A part of me is still convinced that I'm straight but I'm scared if I live like I have been my whole life I'll miss out on what love can feel like. I don't know why I'm writing this but if anyone has advice for me I'd really appreciate it.