u/quentin-trembley-85

My fellow citizens,

I'm running for President because I've looked at the other candidates and, frankly, I think we can do better.

Very boring.

I'm going to talk about what actually matters.

Hats.

I believe every citizen should be free to wear whatever hat they want. A big hat. A small hat. A hat with a chicken on it. A hat with seventeen propellers.

Actually, Jerry™ says seventeen isn't enough.

He's probably right.

Class Struggle

People keep telling me class struggle is some complicated political thing.

It isn't.

It's student's not paying attention.

I've seen it myself. The teacher is explaining something on the board and Kevin is staring out the window at a squirrel.

That's why, as President, every classroom will receive a very large pointer stick.

We will defeat class struggle.

Rose Garden

Kyle has banned Silly Hat Parties from the rose garden and apparently authorized deadly force.

Over hats.

I don't think that's reasonable.

I've consulted my legal counsel, Al.

He's very good at law.

Mostly because he doesn't say anything before I finish talking. And to every lawsuit this government throws at us he says "neigh". Hard to beat that

I have also consulted the ECRGHRGPA, which is a very important organization whose name I refuse to explain because it takes too long.

Bitey, Jerry™, and Bandit are prepared to be in my cabinet.

I trust they don't scratch the pine.

We also need to solve the great divide between the Left and the Right.

Why can't everyone just walk forward?

The Left can stop turning left.

The Right can stop turning right.

And the Centrists can move out of the middle of the hallway because you're blocking everyone.

That's my plan.

It's simple.

More hats.

More propellers.

More raccoons.

Less Kevin staring at squirrels.

And absolutely no more deadly force over rose gardens.

So vote for me.

Quentin Trembley for President.

I may not know exactly what I'm doing.

But neither does anyone else.

Thank you.

MY FELLOW CITIZENS!

It is SATURDAY.

The hats are silly.

The cake is ready.

The roses are nervous.

And the Council of Bitey, Jerry™, and Bandit is preparing to judge the finest headwear in the nation.

Please arrive wearing your SILLIEST HAT.

If you forgot your hat, do not panic. Simply place something ridiculous on your head.

A bucket.

A lampshade.

A smaller hat on top of a larger hat.

A third hat.

The possibilities are endless.

The government may have banned us from the rose garden.

Kyle may have written laws.

The horse with four front hooves ate my legal defense.

BUT NONE OF THIS MATTERS.

Because today...

WE PARTY.

May the silliest hat win!

- Quentin Trembley
Chairman, ECRGHRGPA

*Submit your hat down below for the panel of judges to score*

My fellow citizens,

I come before you today with a heavy heart, a confused hat, and several questions.

The government has banned Silly Hat Parties from the rose garden.

The rose garden.

A place where roses grow, bees buzz, and perfectly respectable citizens should be free to wear hats of absolutely unreasonable proportions.

And now we are told that deadly force may be used if our hats approach the garden.

Deadly force!

Against hats!

What comes next? Will bow ties require permits? Will socks need government approval? Will umbrellas be declared a threat to national security?

I have also heard that Kyle refuses to shake hands with his associate because he is ugly.

But that is precisely why it is important.

Let us return to the roses.

I propose that every rose receive a tiny hat.

Top hats for the tall roses. Cowboy hats for the rebellious roses. Wizard hats for the mysterious ones.

Some will call this ridiculous.

They are correct, But that is precisely why it is important.

So I announce the formation of the Emergency Committee for Rose Garden Hat Rights and Generally Pleasant Afternoons. or ECRGHRGPA.

Our demands are simple:

Restore Silly Hat Parties.

Give the roses hats.

Make Kyle shake hands.

And provide cake.

I will not surrender my hat.

I will not abandon the rose garden.

And I certainly will not allow anyone to ban whatever this is.

Open the gates.

Bring the cake.

Prepare the roses.

We are coming, and we are bringing very silly hats.

Thank you.

My dear friends!

I am absolutely delighted to announce that the Silly Hat Party is officially underway!

Now, I know some people have asked, "Mr. Trembley, why are we having a party?"

To which I respond, "Why wouldn't we have a party?"

Life is too short to attend parties without silly hats.

Some people have suggested that the hats should be "optional." I disagree. If one person wears a ten-foot-tall top hat while another wears no hat at all, the balance of whimsy is thrown completely out of alignment. We simply cannot allow such chaos.

There will be cake.

There will be balloons.

There will be party games.

There will be one very long table with those little paper noisemakers that unroll when you blow into them.

Naturally, there will also be a Hat Inspection Station. This isn't because we don't trust people. It's because someone might accidentally arrive wearing a perfectly sensible hat, and that would be terribly embarrassing for everyone.

My opponents have cruelly claimed that the Silly Hat Party "isn't a real political movement."

Exactly!

It's a party!

Please RSVP by Thursday so we know how much cake to order.

And remember: if anyone tells you they're from another party, be polite and invite them. There's always room for another friend wearing an exceptionally ridiculous hat.

Thank you all, and don't forget to bring presents. I haven't decided whose birthday it is yet, but I'm sure someone deserves them.

My fellow citizens,

For generations, we have ignored the obvious experts.

Every night, while the rest of us are sleeping, raccoons are conducting independent waste inspections with remarkable dedication. They ask for no salary, no pension, and only occasional access to a suspicious-looking dumpster.

This is called public service.

Some people say raccoons are "making a mess."

I disagree!

They are performing quality assurance; How can they know whether the garbage is satisfactory unless they inspect every banana peel individually?

Exactly!

The government May argue that garbage collection should be handled by people.

But have you ever seen a person enthusiastically dive into a dumpster at two in the morning? Neither have I.

The raccoons have experience and passion.

They have tiny little hands perfectly designed for opening bins that I myself cannot figure out.

Some critics claim raccoons steal garbage.

How can you steal garbage?

If anything, they're doing us a favor by taking it away.

That sounds less like theft and more like recycling with less cost to the taxpayer.

Therefore, I propose the National Raccoon Sanitation Service.

If elected, Every neighborhood shall have an Official Municipal Raccoon with Tiny reflective safety vests and a little head lamp.

every successful garbage inspection shall be rewarded with a hard-boiled egg, because I have been informed they enjoy those, and I believe hard work should be recognized.

They will say this is silly.

When was the last time you saw a raccoon leave a garbage can unopened? Exactly.

The qualifications speak for themselves.

Thank you, and may we all learn something from our masked little sanitation professionals.

My fellow citizens,

Today, I wish to address a growing problem in our society.

Marksism.

Everywhere I look, there are marks.

Marks on walls.

Marks on paper.

Marks on desks.

Marks on report cards.

Marks on my favorite hat, which I had only owned for eleven minutes.

Enough is enough.

And then there are the Marks.

I have nothing against people named Mark. Some of my favorite people are probably named Mark. I've met at least two of them, and they seemed perfectly pleasant.

But why should everything be about Mark?

Every newspaper is talking about Marksism.

Every professor is discussing Marksism.

Every debate somehow comes back to Mark.

Surely there are other fine names. What about Steveism? Jenniferism? Bartholomewism? Those deserve a chance too.

The followers of Marksism insist that everything should be labeled, graded, measured, highlighted, underlined, circled, and annotated.

I disagree.

A blank sheet of paper has every bit as much potential as a marked one.

A clean window should not be forced to become a finger-painting exhibition.

A freshly washed car deserves at least five minutes before someone writes "WASH ME" on it.

And poor Mark deserves a day off. Imagine having an entire philosophy named after you. That's an enormous amount of responsibility for one fellow.

The left handed people will claim I don't understand Marksism.

Nonsense.

I've seen marks.

I've made marks.

I've erased marks.

I've even had lunch with a Mark, and he was delightful. He never once asked to have an entire ideology named after him.

So let us move forward into a brighter future: one with fewer marks, fewer unnecessary markings, and significantly less pressure on everyone named Mark.

Thank you, and if your name is Mark, please accept my sincerest apologies for all the confusion.