2E late diagnosis, I'm lost
I am 52 years old. When I was 44, I went through a serious personal crisis that led me to seek out a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). At 47, I began having significant trouble concentrating, which led to an ADHD diagnosis.
I admit I struggled to accept the ADHD diagnosis for a long time. I started therapy—I’ve been seeing the same therapist since 2024—and that helped me come to terms with it somewhat. A few weeks ago, my therapist suggested I undergo a neuropsychological evaluation to check for the possibility of ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) or giftedness.
I received the results a week ago, and I feel increasingly confused and lost. I’ve spent my entire life viewing myself as someone slightly above average in intelligence, but also very lazy, irresponsible, and prone to procrastination. I was always a shy guy and struggled to relate to others—even my best friends. I used to think these difficulties were simply personality flaws.
Now, the evaluation results have taken me by surprise and sent me into a loop of analysis, regret, and even anger. If I had to guess beforehand, I would have said my Full-Scale IQ was around 110—the 75th percentile or something similar. The actual result was a Full-Scale IQ of 146 (99.9th percentile), along with clear symptoms of ADHD and an avoidant personality.
This hasn't made me happy, satisfied, or proud. It doesn't feel like an achievement to me. But it has made me question so much about my life. In college, I had to take some courses four times before passing. I failed the university entrance exam twice before finally getting in. I don't feel like I’ve achieved any major dreams. I have no financial security, no sense of personal fulfillment, and I am not happy. I know dwelling on alternative past scenarios is pointless, but I can't help but wonder: if I—or my parents—had understood what ADHD was doing to me, could I have better utilized my intellectual capacity to achieve greater success? I never learned how to organize myself or manage my tasks; I ran my life almost entirely relying on my memory. I also wonder if my far-above-average intellect made it difficult for me to relate to others. I’ve spent my life "masking" my intelligence or memory. Countless times, I’ve pretended not to recall a specific detail about some obscure topic just to appear more "normal." I wonder if, had I been aware of this situation, I might have spent more of my life seeking out people more like me, rather than insisting on fitting into relationships where I had to hide who I really am. Today, I’m divorced, my friends have all but vanished, and I’m struggling to find new friends or a partner.
I honestly don’t know what my next step in life should be. I’m not even sure how I’m supposed to feel right now. It sounds absurd, I know, but what I’m feeling is almost like grief. Yet it’s different; when you’re grieving, you can talk about it, and people empathize. I don’t even know what to say now—it seems obvious that if I spoke about this to someone who isn't in the same boat, I’d come across as ridiculous, immature, arrogant, narcissistic, or something similar (I admit that, deep down, I’m already judging myself). I’m afraid of telling people I know something like, "I took an IQ test and scored in the 99.9th percentile," only to hear, "Big deal, I already knew that," or, "Wait, you should be celebrating, not grieving." I think writing this message—and imagining that this sub is a place where there’s at least some chance someone might understand—is an attempt to feel a little better.
Thanks for reading.