Its wild how "endless plans and possibilities" transition to a seemingly pointless, repetitive loop. Convenient for society I suppose as we are but predictable cogs keeping the economy going, bills needs to be paid...the world keeps spinning...
When my husband and I travelled, in our quiet moments in foreign lands, sipping a nice cup of coffee, or sitting in long train rides, i would always ask him looking at strangers "what do you think their day will look like today? What are they thinking?" And he'd look back at me with the same curiosity.
I thought about these memories, after yet again waking up from another dream where my husband is emotionally unreachable, these grief/abandonment dreams are heavy, made me realize something painful. Today, someone will probably look at me while walking down the street, and wonder what my story is out of passing. Meanwhile, I, the stranger walking down the street, trying to figure out how to repair my broken heart, putting the pieces back together, all by myself.
Exhaustion and sadness make me ask poetic questions.
43, 9 months in, living my second chance in life. I am a solid organ transplant recipient, 10 years post-transplant. My husband, who is now dead, was the reason I lived a full life, he took me to places I only dreamed about, knew my mood swings, patiently answers my questions (he was a philosopher), he made me happy...it was just me and him...three years ago we added a dog...now its just me and the dog...
I simply do not know where to go now.
Grief is so exhausting even when nothing dramatic is happening. I go about my day, trying to be productive, smooth, nothing dramatic, no chaos in sight. Yet, all the while carrying the absence of someone I am missing dearly. This is such a hard work.
It's like seeing a trailer for a biopic of his favorite band and then sighing because he is no longer here to see and judge the movie.
Simply surviving the demands of life already feels heavy, at the same time carrying grief which feels just as consuming as life itself, makes existing feel like such a task.
Why do we keep doing this?
Because we are conditioned to survive.
I hope that at the end of this long and exhausting journey, they hand out more than a simple pat on the back telling me I did well. I certainly will not volunteer as tribute to relive this kind of hell if that is even remotely possible. I cannot wait for my time to rest.
Damn, this is exhausting. Still, I will go to sleep tonight. Tomorrow, as always, is yet another day. Afterall, I am still considerably young (43) and death has met its KPI for my family with my husband's death a cruel cherry on top.
I caught up with an old colleague (we are in our 40s), he was talking about his career goals, how he is finishing his PhD, how he bought a house, got married a couple of years back - so much plans. He asked me about my plans (we were helping out tutoring a group of students), i simply said none and maybe work just enough to be able to afford to live the next 30 years or so...
Oh how losing a life partner just derails motivation and ambitions...
FML.
So now I have so much time on my hands as someone who is officially unemployed or should I call it a career break to look after myself? But what is actually happening is that I am not showering regularly because, apart from taking my dog for a walk or grabbing things from the supermarket, I do not really feel the need to impress anyone with the way I look. Plus, I am just constantly tired.
Then my sister calls it self-neglect… criticizing smelly people walking around in public spaces and saying that it is such a bad thing. And I thought, they are probably going through something we do not know about, and they are trying their best to still be present in the world… just like me.
I, of course, kept my mouth shut…
I do not know. This world just feels… superficial and pointless.
And unfortunately, I am conditioned to survive, and thus I am forced to live through it…for years, likely longer than I knew my husband... only for the end to be the same.
We all die. Some just got there sooner than expected. And was it a gift for them? Who knows…
Now, once again, I am starting from nothing - completely drained of everything, with only the heaviest weight of the hollow left for me to carry.
Today is another day...
Some days I wake up planning for the future...
Some days I wake up crying...
Some days I wake up angry at the universe...
Some days I wake up anxious...
Some days I wake up guilty for a lot of things...
Some days I just wake up....
But everyday, not a single moment passes without me thinking about my life...my husband...the point of all this...
And yet, every single day, I keep trying to live....
Isn't it just ironic? I dont even know what I am looking for...
I was going through articles/scientific studies, and interestingly, found that depression increases mortality risks for bereaved spouses and is at a higher rate in comparison to their married peers. Additionally, prolonged grief disorder is higher amongst younger bereaved spouses, increasing mortality risks.
So, as a bereaved spouse (in the seemingly younger cohort), with a chronic condition, I wonder how many of us unconsciously want to shorten our lives (intentionally not attending clinics, missing medications, etc.)? In contrast, how many of us keep going despite the health challenges?
P.S.
I now have so much time on my hands, hence the regular posts here. Only my dog and my mind (possibly my anxiety) are keeping me busy now.
I dream about my husband occassionally (like once every two weeks). More recently, he would appear briefly yet it felt like he doesn't know me while I on the other hand yearns for him. Now, even in dreams he is so far away and I watch him with a broken heart from a distance...feeling like he has moved on, forgotten or never knew me, doing his own thing, while I on the other hand continue to carry this pain while barely surviving my reality.
Isnt life just plain cruel? Even in dreams there is no escape from this grief...
My brother and his wife rebuilt their lives about 5 months they lost their spouses 15 years ago...took them 15 years to make it official.
Its been almost nine months, and I am still drifting at sea -- no shore in sight.
I wonder when I can finally be able find a safe place (a calm sea safe enough to finally breathe) to drop this anchor, I am so tired navigating these rough waves.
My brother is getting married today, and I’ve been thinking about their story.
He and his partner were both widowed 15 years ago—they lost their spouses in the same natural disaster and found each other that same year. They built a life from that shared grief: blending families, having children together, and now making it official.
After my husband died, soon to be SIL told me to take my time healing. My brother told me something that stayed with me—that the pain and questions don’t really go away. Even now, he still feels it. His grief is layered too; he learned after her death that she had been unfaithful, and he’s carried both loss and betrayal ever since. He said, he remembers the feeling everytime he looks at his children who looks 90% similar to his late wife.
I sometimes wonder if part of them ever wished they had taken more time before starting again. Or maybe they simply did what they needed to survive.
My loss is different—I lost my husband to alcoholism. Slower, more complicated. But the pain feels familiar...and now I understand them better.
I guess I’m just realising that grief doesn’t follow one path. Some people rebuild. Some of us are still out at sea. And somehow, it all seems to live in the same place despite the time passing by.
Today is my last day of work and the future is uncertain. At 43 (and a solid organ recipient/transplant) I wonder what my tomorrow will look like. I keep taking my medications as prescribed because I am conditioned to survive. It could be that I get to live 20 more years get cancer/cardiovascular disease or my transplant fails in 2 or 5 years and then I dont know...I guess only time will tell.
The last few days have been rough feeling almost like the first month I lost my other half. Will I get a job in this market? What happens if I dont get a new source of income? What job do I want? What will happen to me? Why do I feel so lost and so alone? The questions are neverending...
The secondary losses keeps coming and this hole grief has created feels like its getting bigger and deeper--i do not think there is an end to this.
I am not sure what will happen next...
What happens next?
I guess only time will tell...and hopefully I come back to this post years in the future (or even just next year) and look back where I was at this time of my life...
Passenger seat, breakfast tables, couch, etc...the now empty space...