u/radiant_charm

I need support. I think I've been dealing with a narcissistic abuser and I'm currently still in it, in another country, losing my mind.

I'm an American woman in Germany with 3 more days before I fly home. I need people who understand this to help me make sense of what's happening, because I genuinely feel like I'm losing my grip on reality.

**How it started:**
I met him on Hinge over Christmas while visiting Germany. He was handsome, Greek, passionate, sweet, incredibly consistent. He tried to drive an hour just to meet me on our first date. We eventually met in Munich. He planned everything, paid for everything, and the connection felt electric. I flew home to the US and we kept talking. Long story short, I flew back in March for a week together.

**When the mask slipped:**
Within the first day it started. He was critical of the way I *breathed*. The way I talked. He told me my perfume made me stink. He shushed me in restaurants. He got genuinely cruel and angry at me for bringing the "wrong towels" to the spa. He made me feel like the dumbest, most unbearable person alive. I’m someone who considers herself naturally kind and positive so I was constantly apologizing and trying to do better.

I left that trip telling myself never again. But the communication when I got home was so warm and good that I came back. One week ago.

**This trip has been the worst of my life:**
He was angry I took too long at border control after a 13-hour flight. His apartment was absolutely disgusting: rotting food, filth everywhere…but *I* was the problem for "not walking fast enough." He swatted my hand in a store and said he has to "babysit" me. When I tried to surprise him in lingerie he said he was repulsed by me. He told me he would never be with me because he needs someone better. That my shoes are ugly. That I wear too much jewelry. That I'm not doing anything with my life because I'm going back to college at 30. When I finally told him "it seems like you're not enjoying your time with me," he said I was making everything difficult.

I actually LEFT. Went to Heidelberg, blocked him, felt like myself again for the first time in days.

Then he found a way to reach me. Suddenly sweet, warm, like the man I thought I knew. And I came back. The second I got in his car: cruel again. Now he's punishing me by withholding sex and telling me he wants nothing to do with me ever.

So why did he tell me to come back???

I know the answer is probably "that's what they do" — but I am so deep in the fog I can't think straight. I feel like the most flawed, difficult, unlovable person on earth, and I *know* that's not who I am. Has anyone been here? And then I keep having these thoughts of, “is there a better woman out there for him” and comparing myself to these imaginary women wondering why I’m so unbearable.