u/rainbow-kid88

I took time off work this year to battle TBNC. That ran out so I went for unemployment. That's running out but I'm still struggling to get back to work. I did apply for disability but also despite having to wait 6 more months to begin breast reconstruction it's not certain I'll get disability so I'm considering work again in the meantime maybe waiting a year to reconstruct so I can take out work coverage again...

I have no idea how to navigate any of this. I hate the wig and prosthetics but I can't go outside with such short hair, weight, adrenal insufficiency, no boobs, insecurity...I'm struggling so bad.

Do I go back to work part time? Job market sucks for entry and I have no skills. Is there some unknown pathway I don't know about? I was only able to stay home because my roommate made enough along with my light employment to make ends meet...but I have to hold myself up.

I realize today I don't feel good enough since my double mastectomy to even ask my partner to do anything for my body like touch or massage. Just knowing men like breasts and knowing I don't have any its killing me. I need some encouragement. He still cares for me especially when I'm kind with a good tone but I also know I'm not the best looking now.

I am battling triple negative, 0 to 11 lymph nodes in two months on taxol and carbiplatin, masectomy and 35 lymph nodes removed now doing the red devil then radiation while doing rehab for my arm.

I think I sabotaged my first chemo because I drank some beer during that time and was vaping heavy then. I stopped both then two weeks ago picked up vaping again and now trying desperately to wean off. Has anyone else here not been 100% on the healthy train while fighting this and still had good results? So far scans have been clean but I'm a little nervous about a pet scan coming in 5 days (today I did an MRI).

Before this diagnose, I know body inflammation led to this which included drinking and four years of smoking, dairy I tolerance, stress, fast food, sugar. Now I had to step back from work so I'm exercising less, gained weight, still working on cutting down the dairy, less stress, no alcohol, but have the added inflammation of chemo as well, so basically I have more inflammation factors against me than before.

I know no one can guarantee anything but I'm just looking for some hope. Did anyone else occasionally vape or not eat right and still make it through? I am working on all of it, including going for walks again since I've stopped walking the three miles to and from work 6 months ago, but I'm so tired and feel a bit pointless like I could do all the right things and still not be living much longer. I am spending it with my kids who live with their dad, I am planning correctly making photo albums, making amends with some other family, not wasting energy with the wrong family members etc. but with all this time on my hands I just wish sometimes I could at least vape without feeling guilty (but at this point I'm focused on the health of my lungs so I have to go back to quitting). Have I messed up my own slim chance of beating this?