Am i crazy because i still care about my bpd mother?
I (23M) have a mother with BPD and she is insane i swear. I grew up as an only child with a single mother who was diagnosed with it when i was around the age of 10 or so. My childhood wasnt the worst, had food and a roof over my head, but it was filled with emotional turmoil, a mother who did barley anything around the house and guilt over not being enough. Firstly, my mother used me as an emotional support system since i was probably 8 or younger. When she was crying i was there, when she was worried about money or anything i was the person she told and when i left to go to school there were multiple times i was worried that she would killer herself while i was gone. She constantly talked about how she didnt want to live, especially as i got older. She always wanted another child which i also wanted a sibling but it always made me feel like i was never enough. She told me about the horrible things she experienced growing up, abuse, neglect, suicide attempts, and stated on numerous occasions about how she should have just ended her life when she was young because she hates her life now. I didnt know what do to do or how to even feel apart from sad and like she didnt even want me to exist either, afterall if she was dead then i wouldnt have even been born! She was also way to sexual with me, not in any physical way but she told me about her sex life in way to much detail, especially as i got older. Eventually she started dating someone, and this person was in and out of our lives constantly but when he was she would spend barley any time with me, instead she was always "taking naps" with her boyfriend during which i always heard what they were doing. One night i couldnt sleep because of it so i banged my head against the wall hoping they would get the message and stop, just to have my mom come to my room in nothing but a towel and grill me and even ask if i was trying to listen. I eventually got addicted to video games because i had little to no care about my life and future and my mom of course didnt seem to care or try to get me to hangout with her or do anything. Later when i was 17 i started to turn my life around and care and gaining my own life. I got a job, made friends and got a license. My mom was proud of me but our house was starting to fall apart and it gave her crippling anxiety. A few years later when i was 19 i started going to college and staying out later, i still lived with her because it was cheaper, but she gave me a curfew of 12 for staying out, constantly asked if i wanted to move out and used suicide threats to get me to stay. It got worse and worse when i started dating and after moving to an appartment. She started complaining about me not paying fair for rent when we had an agreement for it, and when our original agreement on rent so long as i was in college was already taken back. But it really came to a head when my grandpa died. My mom absolutely went nuts, drinking all the time and even hitting me on a few occasions while drunk. I decided to move out, and moved in with my current gf. My mother constantly uses this against me saying that i just left her and didnt barley even see her and that i didnt do any going away party but just left and that i must hate her or not want her in my life at all because i dont constantly see her. She threw things in my face from years ago and still throws it in my face when i told her multiple times not too. She does nothing but pushes me away and says that its me that pushed her out. She says she respects my boundaries when she has been given multiple chances to do so and never has. I have tried my best to follow through on boundaries but i still care about her and want a relationship with my mom, because even though shes nuts she was not all bad growing up, we had our good times too. But I cant do anything that doesnt end in her saying i dont care about her. Am i crazy that i still care about her? Any advice? At this point im ready to just be done but I dont know how to cope with that.