AITAH for refusing to follow my boyfriend’s “wife behavior” expectations?
I (20F) and my bf (22M) have been together 2 years and 7 months. Lately we’ve been clashing a lot over what feels like a fundamental difference in how we view relationships.
For context, we met through work and then quickly found out we had the same friends. My friends told him how I was, they told me how he was, etc. I grew up very sheltered with strict parents, he grew up with full control of himself. (Parties, skipped school) Classic Bad boy and “Weird” Girl cliche. However, before we dated, i was quite serious about not being traditional and loving my independence. I believe a partner is there for companionship and love rather than providing and protection.
About 4 months ago, I moved away for school for the first time. My parents actually encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone, go out with friends, and experience things as long as I kept my priorities straight. I’ve done exactly that. I have a great group of friends, I go out occasionally, I respect my boundaries, and I’ve maintained a 3.9 GPA.
Recently, there was a fundraiser at a club (which I had never been to one before). It was supposed to be Justin Bieber throwbacks for charity, honestly just a fun, harmless experience because what sane girl will say no to peak JB? My boyfriend said he didn’t like the idea of me going, but I had already agreed and didn’t see anything wrong with it. We didn’t even stay long due to the DJ not playing JB as stated and ended up going back to our usual spots. But after that, things blew up.
He started talking about “wife behaviors” and said he wants a future wife who respects how he feels and adjusts accordingly. I told him I want a relationship like what I’ve seen growing up, where my mom would have girls’ nights without it being an issue. He shut that down and said no wife of his would be doing that.
What’s confusing is that I used to feel like he trusted me. Now it feels like that’s gone. He questions things like me going to the gym, and it feels like there’s always some suspicion. He also hates the idea that I want to be a doctor despite it being my dream since I can remember, and yes he has known about it. He wants a family as soon as possible. I want to wait, and we had talked about this before even becoming official. He doesn’t think we can have a family if I’m in med school. We had a miscarriage, and while that was hard, he talks more about the family we could’ve had because “I could’ve stayed home instead of going away for school.” He now wants a stay-at-home wife, but I don’t want that. No hate to those who do, but I have my own goals. He always talks about mutual submission, but isn’t mutual submission when it’s both people? I have never once stopped him from doing something or going anywhere, never got jealous about conversing with a girl, encouraged him when his coworkers and friends invited him out, even dropped him off and picked him up from a party. He, however, has never done the same.
Listen, I acknowledge his feelings, but I don’t think respecting someone means giving up your autonomy or changing who you are to fit their comfort zone. I feel like I’m being asked to shrink parts of myself to prove I care, and that doesn’t sit right with me. At the same time, I don’t want to dismiss his feelings or make him feel insecure. So now I’m stuck. I care about him, but I also don’t want a relationship where I feel controlled or like I have to earn trust by limiting my own life.
Am I the asshole for wanting to keep my independence even if it makes him uncomfortable? Or am I being selfish and not respecting my partner the way I should?