u/rawjammyeggs

I've become quite the avid tripper. I take shrooms about once a month, or every other month, for a big pow wow. A mental reset, reflections, and remembering who I am to the core. I can easily spiral, and doing this keeps me grounded.

Recently I downloaded a dating app. Thought maybe it was time to get back out there. For context, I'm female, but I'm quite androgynous and also identify as asexual. Dating is hard! I have not downloaded an app like this for nearly 7 years. I'm not tooting my own horn here, but I was overwhelmed with messages. I went from being alone to all of a sudden carrying these conversations with people. It was exciting at first, then it quickly drained me. So, after a few weeks of that it was a Saturday and I wanted to dance. I toasted me a bagel, spread some cream cheese on there, and sprinkled about 3g of mushrooms on top.

It was wonderful. Turned on some Funkadelic and started getting jiggy with it. After about 2 hours, I decided to retreat to my bedroom, turn on some vibe lights, and just zone out. Unfortunately, I was thinking about all the messages I had ignored for days, because I didn't have the mental energy to respond. I felt like an awful person, felt like I was wasting people's time. I also felt kind of weird advertising myself on the internet, like "Hey! Look at me! Don't I seem interesting?" I really hated that, because that's not me. Not me at all. I started spiraling when I couldn't shake the thought. I got so overwhelmed, I went deaf. There was so much pressure in my head and ears I couldn't hear anything except for the blood coursing through my body. Felt like I was drowning. Which in hindsight, this was fitting since I felt so overwhelmed with dating.

I've never had a bad trip before, and I wasn't sure what to do. I was just starfished on my bed just wide eyeing my ceiling. I thought it would be worse to fight the trip, so I just embraced it. I embraced every bad thought, every feeling. My heart started thumping so hard I thought I was going to have a heart attack and die, but I embraced that too.

This next part is going to be super dramatic, but it's exactly how it went. I started silently crying. Not sobbing, but just single tear stuff. Then all of a sudden, I could hear again and a song started on my speaker from my playlist. The song was Spilling Over, by Bob Lind. I immediately got up. The heart thumping, the head pressure, it instantly went away. I slowly walked out of my bedroom, through the kitchen, and into the living room (where my speaker was). I just stood there listening in my dimly lit living room, and when the chorus came on I started slowly and intimately dancing along to it.

When the song came to a close, I fell to my knees sobbing. I haven't sobbed on shrooms in a long time, but straight ugly crying. With that, I took my phone, messaged everyone to cancel any plans I had to meet, and I deleted my account and app. After that, I felt so loose. Bad thoughts disappeared and the dancing commenced.

I danced for 12 hours straight. I didn't stop once. Probably some of the best dancing I have ever done if I'm honest. As my trip started to come to a close, the song Beast of Burden by The Rolling Stones came on and that was the last song I danced to before heading to bed.

Anyways. That was my trip. It wasn't all bad, but there was a good portion of it that was. However, I think the best thing I did was to let the bad trip happen. I knew it was going to pass, but it was a matter of when. And the physical and emotional aspect sucked SO bad, but I got through it. I'm just glad it didn't ruin shrooms for me, and I'm also glad I DID get something out of it. A hard look in the mirror it was. Dating apps just aren't for me, and I'm not really built for a relationship. Especially not now. I enjoy my own company, and I have my dog who I love deeply. I have friends I see here and there. I'm not lonely, but I tricked my stupid brain into thinking I needed someone in my life.

I don't. I'm fine.

I've had an eventful couple of months. Life-altering months.

I was depressed and miserable. Would disassociate often. Couldn't pinpoint what was causing all that. I took a trip out to California on a solo road trip, and it changed my life. When I got back home I hit the ground running, and changed things up and around for the better.

I make art again, I write music. I even bought a kayak since I had to sell my last one. Have done some major redecorating to make my apartment a home.

This last Friday I took shrooms. The last couple of times I did it was like an emotional detox. I was so emotionally constipated that I would just laugh and cry nonstop for hours. Well, I took them again after a year and there was none of that. I had a realization that what I'm going through now isn't temporary. It's not just a surge of positivity/optimism with an inevitable crash at the end of it. Can't explain it, but I feel truly healed.

Fast forward to today, it was the first nice day of the week. I decided to take my kayak out, at this point it had been years since I've kayaked. My dog and I left at 5:30am, got on the water at around 6am. It was beautiful. The sun was peaking out over the hills and the sky was a pink/orange hue. My boy and I idled and waited for the sun to rise in the middle of the lake. Had this "glow" wash over me.

Couldn't help but smile. My life isn't so bad. If anything, I'm just upset that I've wasted so much of my life feeling defeated. Feels like I can take my life back now.

Does anyone else have these moments of fulfillment? How did you feel and what were you doing?