So incredibly bored
I’m at a month now and watching a YouTube video about Malta. Some beautiful scenery on the water, incredible food. they are interviewing a priest about some amazing artwork and architecture within a church.
I’m sitting here thinking none of this means a damn thing to me, it inspires no feeling whatsoever. I feel nothing. They could be describing a brick wall or a bowl of cornflakes for all I care. And it gets me thinking, do other humans enjoy things? I literally don’t care about any object or arrangement of atoms or smell or flavour or whatever. I don’t care about an ancient Roman Fresco or a People Magazine, I do not care for an apple or a coffee mug or 10 million dollars. I hear no difference in a seagulls shriek and a Beethoven composition. I don’t favour A red velvet cake to a fistful of mud.
I’ve been thinking about drinking once every couple of weeks to ease the anhedonia but it ends up being a binge and it makes me feel terrible for days afterward.
It’s just not worth it.
I’ve lifted weights today and been out for a long walk. Yesterday evening a went for a solid run and really got the heart-rate up. But it’s like I don’t feel anything no matter what I do. You could put me in a catapult and fucking launch me at the moon, I do not care, it is nothing to me.