I think im transmasc but im not fully certain
Hello, im 21 (F) and I have been questioning myself ever since i was 14.
I first got my haircut super short like a pixie at 13, and ever since that moment ive been dressing like a boy. I have never experienced girlhood past the age of like... 11ish growing up i was always considered a tomboy, i dont have much memory of my childhood so I cant really remember if there were any other signs or not, which also makes me doubt more- the only thing i remember is hanging out with my brother and his friends a lot (who were boys) wanting to be 'one of the boys'. i wanted to be included in everything they did which obviously, did annoy them a lot LOL Even if im not transmasc, i certainly dont feel like a girl. I never felt like I fit in with any girls at a young age, I felt like an oddball.
(not including my current bf) but every relationship i had with boys it didnt feel normal. i felt like i was hiding something. I would try my hardest to be the perfect gf but it made me so depressed because I knew I didnt feel entirely normal. most of my relationships failed because of this. I met my bf when I was identifying as a boy, im so glad everything clicked and hes supportive of me no matter what my identity is.
at the age of 18 when I came out to only my brother and sister in law cause theyre the closest family to me who I know are supportive, I cried so much from the secret that ive been hiding for so long, it was a relief. i also cried about all the things that i thought I was dysphoric about. my shoe size, the disappointment people got when they heard my voice and figured out I wasnt a cis male, as well as my height. I always said that it wasnt fair, and how i always wished i was born a guy or at least a tall girl to make the insecurities somewhat go away. (im 5'1 🥀) my sister in law tried her best helping me by buying me a binder. I do have really bad sensory issues and I was living in AZ at the time so although I was happy with having a flat chest, i was super hot, itchy and overstimulated. 🥲
ages 19-21(now) I tried my hardest to experience girlhood and I guess fit in as a girl. but ugh. its so exhausting. I grew my hair out super long, did makeup, wore cute girly clothes which ideally should make me feel good, but it didnt. i felt like I was performing. the only thing i like is wearing makeup solely because i feel like its hiding my face if that makes sense, i dont wear it to enhance my features but instead hide it?? not exactly sure how to explain it. it is a fun little hobby tho I had so many breakdowns to my boyfriend and in private about constantly feeling ugly and how uncomfortable I am with my body, i felt like a stranger to myself. something definitely didnt look right when I had long hair.
so I cut my hair into a bixie which felt so much better. I loved the androgynous look but I wasnt fully satisfied yet, so my boyfriend helped me cut my hair shorter and oh my god. game changer. I feel so much more like myself! I started dressing in my comfortable boy clothes and im definitely a lot more happier.
whats making me doubt this is that im a really indecisive person and I act out of impulse. im scared that this is all just a phase and maybe im just a tomboy and I just watched too many transmasc YouTubers growing up. I am a beautiful girl, although I dont feel confident 95% of the time and feel uncomfortable, that 5% when I try to put effort into fully looking like a girl I do feel pretty, but just not me. it feels like im performing as I said earlier haha but i always think to myself- if this transmasc feeling is just a phase then why do I keep going back to it? something about looking like a boy feels so right.
I even have a "boy name" that a lot of people call me online. i always hated my government name as a kid, I even tried to ask my dad to change it so many times lmao another thing that makes me doubt that im trans is when my brother & my bfs family calls me my "boy name" irl it feels totally different than what im used to. like it doesnt make me cringe but I just take a step back like wait omg I forgot I go by my "boy name" irl to some people. but when my bf calls me that name it feels normal though??? idk how to describe it. him calling me by my government name feels so damn wrong, he even refuses to call me by that sometimes cause he knows I get a feeling of discomfort from it. I did ask the people I were out to, to call me my government name the moment I started to try to fit in as a girl again because i was mainly afraid of what society would think of me. I was always okay with being called whatever pronoun but definitely dont like "she/her" pronouns though. i was always comfortable with "he/they". whenever I meet someone new and they ask for my pronouns im like "ohhh haha im fine with anything that makes you comfortable!" instead of what makes ME comfortable LMFAOOO
sorry if this was a mess, im horrible at typing when I cant describe how I feel or remember half of my life because of trauma reasons lol. i just don't want to feel like im having an identity crisis 24/7.. i dont know who I really am fr