u/rhea-of-sunshine

I’m really struggling to trust God right now. To really believe that He works things out for the best. My daughter’s best friend is probably going to be sent to a new foster home, we’ve begged and begged to be considered as a placement because she knows us already and I know she’d be safe and cared for here— but she’s a Native American child and we are not a Native American family.

I haven’t stopped crying since I got the news that her current foster mother is giving her up. This baby is only four years old. She won’t know that we wanted her. That anybody did. Reunification is less and less of an option with her biological family, and she’s so so loved here. Her (adult) older sister is in a long-time relationship with our nephew and they have a child together. She’s part of our family.

I want so badly to know that she’s safe and whole and happy wherever she’s placed. Even if it’s not with us. But I don’t think we’re ever gonna see her again and I’m devastated. I can’t stop crying. At some point I’ll have to explain to my daughter why she hasn’t been visiting and why I can’t set up a play date. And I’m just. I don’t understand.

I don’t understand God’s plan here. This is an innocent child who’s going back into the foster system and anything could happen. I just want to know that she’s safe. I don’t understand why she couldn’t stay with us. I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed and I’m still so angry and confused.

Background: I did not grow up Catholic and experienced a bit of neglect as a kid so I’m kinda figuring out some things as I go when raising babies. Especially when it comes to what a “normal” childhood is supposed to look like.

I grew up with parents that weren’t by any means poor, but I wasn’t allowed to do things like dance or gymnastics because it would cut into my parents’ spending money. I didn’t really get to play sports or do plays in high school because I was working to pay for my lunches and clothes by the time I was old enough. And I really wish I had gotten to do things like dance, or play a sport, or just been given the opportunity to develop any kind of skill that wasn’t necessary to be a useful child.

We want to put our oldest in dance classes, it will take some reworking of the budget but it won’t put us in a bind or anything. I’m sure if she sticks with it, her baby sister will want to do dance as well. Our son may want to play sports when he’s older, and I would love to make that happen for him if that’s what he wants.

But my fear is that if we do have 4+ kids, it simply won’t be feasible for them to do things like dance lessons and baseball and art classes and the like.

I would honestly love to have 5 kids (and we are open to life) But cramming 5 kids into our 1200sqft 3 bedroom house would be a challenge. Being able to provide opportunities for them to participate in extracurriculars would be very hard.

I know I’m supposed to trust God and His timing and plan. But he gave me a brain and the ability to make decisions based on our situation, right? I trust Him but I’m not going to be irresponsible with the hopes that God will bail me out later. And I’m struggling with the idea of having more children while providing a good life to the children I already have.

How do I balance this? 3 kids feels like the max we can truly care for right now. And that makes me sad and scared all at once.