I just feel lied to
We started IUI and IVF due to male factor only. While I was 38 when we started, I’ve been healthy and we had no reason to think I’d have any trouble getting pregnant (though we had never tried via sex because of the male factor issue). We wanted to try for a family, but also were totally fine with being DINKs, so whatever happens, happens. We don’t HAVE to be parents to be happy.
Got 21 eggs, 18 fertilized, 8 blastocyst, 4 euploid. Amazing!! Such great results. Doctor said we had a 98% chance of getting a healthy baby from this!! So sure, we are definitely going to have this kid we want. No need for another ER, 4 is plenty. We even have time to wait a few months. We wait almost a year.
Now I’m 39 and ready for my first FET. Yay! 79% graded embryo! This is going to WORK. 10 days later, negative test. Immediately roll into second one, IT WORKS!!!! And I get the girl I wanted. We wait til 9 weeks to tell my parents at Christmas. We didn’t know she had already passed away at that point and I was just carrying dead tissue. D&C follows along with lots of testing to determine cause.
Husband wants to stop at this point due to the toll it’s taking mentally and physically on me. I want to keep going. We have two more, we gotta at least go through our four, and know we did what we could. 40th bday passes. Time for third FET, adding Lovenox and this time i have to find outside monitoring and fly back to CA because we had moved to NC during this time. So even more complicated.
Around the time of this FET i decided I’m completely ok - even would PREFER if it failed. We want to travel, i want my body back, i want to focus on other pursuits. For the week after FET, I’m on a high, knowing I’m not going to be upset either way. I am totally and completely fine and wanting it to fail is NOT a defense mechanism, because it’s so visceral in my brain.
Positive test! Oh wait, not really, it’s chemical. Devastated. Why am I so sad?? Why can’t I get out of bed? I was supposed to be ok with this. Why did the doctors say we should have a 95% chance of success with three embryos?? Why am I in the 5%?
I don’t have any faith at all that a fourth embryo will work. I am exhausted and need a break. Which means MORE time passing at 40.