My dad told me to kill myself last night
For context: I’m 25 female and my parents are 63 male and 56 female. I am currently living at home as I just graduated college in May and want to save up some money before moving out now that I am working full time. This is kind of a rant bc a lot happened last night that I haven’t been able to fully wrap my head around. I don’t believe I handled myself as well as I could have and know that I definitely did some stuff wrong (particularly going back to the conversation when I knew I should have left it alone) but whats done is done now. Onto what happened:
We are having people over this weekend and a few days ago I had asked my parents that if someone was wanting to see the basement (as it’s been renovated) if they could please wait till I’m home to do so. Partly so I can make sure it’s clean and tidy but also because it’s the space that I live in. I am working until 4:30 so I would be home by 5 at the latest and the party starts at 2 so it’s not a big ask in my opinion. When we spoke both of my parents said it was fine and sort of dismissed the conversation so I left it at that, thinking everything was fine.
Yesterday when talking to my dad about something unrelated, he brought up the basement and asked “do you need to do anything (cleaning wise) in the basement in case someone wants to go down there and see it?” And I said “well no but you said you’d wait until I get home from work to take anyone downstairs” he then was a bit snippy and asked what time I get home at which I told him and he made a comment along the lines of he didn’t see the need to wait.
I was heating up dinner for myself so I went downstairs because I was a bit annoyed that he had changed his mind but there isn’t much I can do as I knew all I could do was ask. When I was done eating I came back upstairs and he had asked a joking question about taking one of our dogs for a sleepover. I just said “no” and he said “oh are you in a bad mood now?” And I said “well I’m a bit annoyed that the other day you said it was fine to wait until I got home to bring anyone downstairs and now that’s not the case” because I was annoyed but again there’s nothing I can do if he chooses to bring people downstairs when I’m not home, all I can do is ask him not to. I did not say this rudely, I was just stating that I was in fact a bit annoyed about the situation.
He got up from the couch and got angry at me saying “I own this fucking house, I can bring whoever I want to see the basement whenever I fucking want to” which again, when I originally stated my feelings I had ASKED then not to, I never told then they couldn’t. I reiterated this when he was yelling and at this point I was yelling too. He then said “when that apartment opens up you can get the fuck out and do what you want in your own fucking home”. Which this apartment when I was looking at it was feasible but would be tight and likely result in me living paycheque to paycheque. I yelled that he doesn’t listen to anything but the sound of his own voice bc I never TOLD him what he couldn’t do, I had simply asked him a question. I also yelled the he’s emotional immature and an idiot I think. (I know I was wrong in doing that as it definitely didn’t help things but I was angry now that he was throwing it in my face that I have no ‘right’ to my space and telling me to leave but he does this all the time)
I went and stood on the basement stairs for a bit bc I was so angry. When I had originally said I was potentially looking at an apartment, he kept saying how “you don’t need to leave” and “no one wants you to go” which now clearly seems untrue. Everytime I do something that my dad disagrees with or dislikes, he immediately throws it in my face that ‘he owns the house’ and threatens to kick me out. I went back upstairs and said “for someone who keeps telling me I don’t need to leave, you’re sure quick to tell me to get the fuck out when you’re mad”
He kept yelling the same things over and over again about him owning the house and he can do whatever the fuck he pleases because he owns the house and blah blah blah. I went to walk downstairs again, and I turned around and said “I hate you.” And he said “ya you hate me? You can get out” or something. I then said “ya I do hate you. I hate you because you make me hate me. I can never do anything good in your eyes, even simply asking you a fucking question is wrong” (I am very aware this was wrong of me to do and say to him but this has also been built up for years due to the fact he always does this and always has)
My mom had finally come downstairs at this point and asked what was going on. I explained the situation, and said “I’m obviously not wanted here so maybe I’d be better off if I wasn’t here” not insinuating that I wanted to kill myself, because I don’t, but moreso saying maybe I’d be better off living on my own but my dad took it that way. He immediately started yelling that “if you want to kill yourself and hate yourself so much, go fucking kill yourself. I’ll even give you the fucking rope”
I stopped talking because I was taken aback that he would even say that to me. I have had a long struggle with my mental health that I don’t really speak to my parents about. Mostly because anytime i’ve mentioned friends or friends family members mental health stuggles they’ve dismissed it saying they were doing it for attention or that mental health issues aren’t real so I don’t talk to them about it. My brother has also told me to kill myself in the past, which I quite literally have thought about everyday since so the fact that my dad was now saying it hurt.
I said something along the lines of “you know what if you want me to I will” my mom was shouting telling both of us to stop. My dad then kept going saying “She’s just doing that for attention” (I believe to me saying that I hate myself)
I went downstairs to pack my shit bc fuck that if I was gunna stay somewhere I am clearly not wanted. My mom came downstairs to try and ask me where I was going and to not leave. I was crying and looked at her and said “no I’m not staying, he obviously doesn’t want me here and he obviously doesn’t fucking love me or care about me if he can tell me to go kill myself”. My mom tried to back track and say he does but like to me the damage is done, he said what he said and I will never be able to unhear it.
I looked at my mom and said “you know this is the first time in my life where dad has done something or said something hurtful to me that you’ve actually gaven enough of a shit to come check on me? All 25 years of my life and not once have you ever come to see if I’m okay.” She looked hurt but it’s thr truth. My dad does stuff like this all the time and I can walk away crying and she has never come to see if I’m okay.
They have never listened to me, never cared enough when I’m hurting, never thought to actually have some sort of emotional maturity to actually have a conversation without getting angry. I don’t really know why I am posting this, I’m just very angry and don’t know where to go from here. I guess I’m partly wondering if I were to move out an cut contact with them if I would be overreacting? I don’t see myself being able to come back from what my dad said with him at the very least. There is obviously stuff that has happened in the past, both physically and emotionally that plays into why I feel the way I do about myself but also about them but it’s a lot to add in here and would take me hours to write it all down
It’s safe to say that I will not be attending the party at my house and they can explain to our family why I’m not there. I am back at home now (only because I have nowhere else to go at the moment) but as soon as that apartment becomes available I will be leaving even if it means having to get another job and just working so I can distract myself. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow to talk through what happened with a professional and I have other people in my corner to talk to if I need to.