Two months into college and I'm realizing I probably will never have a healthy successful life
New to reddit (I've been a silent lurker for a while though) and not a hundred percent sure this subreddit is the correct place for my ranting, but it seems like some of you have had a somewhat similar experience to what I have had and I just need a place to vent.
I, 19F, am almost 2 months into college and just now realizing how much my education, specifically homeschooling/online schooling, has fully screwed me over.
I haven't been homeschooled my entire life and only began online school in 8th grade. My dad was in the Air Force, so my family moved around a lot. I had being doing extremely well academically all throughout elementary school but right before entering middle school my family moved to Germany and this move was the beginning of the end for me. My parents thought it would be a good idea to enroll me in a German middle school so I could be "immersed" into German culture. The German school I went to was not known for its academics at all but had a program for foreign students trying to learn German which definitely appealed to my parents because they thought it would be soooo cool for their kid to be able to be bilingual and just forgot about the fact that I needed to actually be learning subjects like math, science, english etc?? Instead all I learned was German, and absolutely nothing else (I only became semi fluent, and have completely lost it now). When we moved back to the US halfway through eighth grade, I started online school.
The program my parents chose was very rigorous and although I tried my best to keep up, the content was extremely difficult due to my lack of academic foundation and I struggled to pay attention in my live online classes. So I started cheating on pretty much all of my work. This was completely my fault and I feel super guilty because of it, however, there was no accountability and my parents never checked in to see if I was doing my work and just assumed I was. I continued doing high school online and learned very little. It was too easy for me not pay attention in class and not do the work. Instead I spent a huge amount of time mindlessly perusing the Internet, watching YouTube, playing video games, just slowly rotting my brain away. I was also completely isolated. I never left the house, I didn't know anyone as I had moved to a completely new place, and even though I begged my mom to get me involved in a co-op or some kind of extracurricular she dismissed me. I genuinely made one friend the entirety of my high school years and that was because she was also a lonely homeschooler and our moms had us meet up occasionally to socialize (sort of like a playdate for 15 year olds...).
Fast forward a few years, I'm now in college and the safety bubble of being home all the time and avoiding the real world has popped. I'm very much struggling (shocker!), with a high school diploma I 100% percent didn't earn. I'm also in the honors program simply because my mom wanted me to be (I know it was technically my choice to enroll in the honors college but the sad truth is I've gotten extremely used to having my mom dictate my entire life). I forced myself to write all 6 essays for the honors college application, and my mom "refined" them as they obviously weren't that good.
I honestly didn't have much interest in going to college probably partly due to the fact that I've been rotting inside my room for the past 4-5 years doing nothing, but it was expected of me by my parents so of course I went. The workload feels impossible and I can barely understand any of what we're reading (currently Plato's Republic). I struggle to contribute to discussions, come up with original ideas, and write essays (or even a coherent sentence as you can probably tell from this post). Sometimes I'll spend hours reading a few pages and still have no idea what I've read. I genuinely know nothing and I think I'm pretty much functionally illiterate.
Socially I'm doing pretty awful too. I don't have a single friend and I haven't gotten the opportunity to even try to put myself out there or join clubs because I have so much schoolwork to do which leads to me spending hours in my dorm or the library slaving away over content I don't understand. I don't know how to talk to people as my mind is just completely blank and I never have anything to say. I've had no life experiences or funny stories I can share, and my entire past feels like a blank slate. I eat my meals all alone, all the time, and it feels genuinely impossible for me to form connections, as I literally have no interests, passions or personality. I've never felt truly comfortable around another person my age and nothing comes naturally to me as I'm always thinking of the next thing to say.
I'm just completely crumbling. I've stopped caring about my physical appearance and I have had multiple people comment on how tired I look. I've been sick for almost two weeks now, and I'm struggling to keep up with basic self-care (eating, showering, doing laundry), falling behind in my classes, and constantly comparing myself to my roommate, who seems to manage college and friendships effortlessly. My parents are paying a lot of money for me to attend this expensive private college, and I feel awful that they've wasted all that on me.
Doing pretty much nothing for all of high school means my work ethic is really bad, and I have no discipline to do any schoolwork. Instead I just rot away doomscrolling in my dorm because it's what I'm used to. I hate myself and my life everyday, and feel like I'm destined to be a failure with no future who works a minimum wage job forever and lives in her parents basement.
I'm so close to just giving up entirely on ever being "normal". I don't know why I thought college would change anything, and I feel so robbed of having the "college experience". My mom was homeschooled too, but seemed to have a much more well rounded education. She was able to go on to college to thrive academically, make friends, and eventually meet my dad. I'm also incredibly jealous of my younger brother. My parents decided that homeschooling him would be too much of a hassle, so he's been in public school his entire life. He's smart, has plenty of friends, and seems to have the opportunities and foundation I wish I'd had. I can easily imagine him going far in life, and I'm happy for him, but it hurts to compare our experiences and wonder what mine could have been. I just can't believe this is my life!
Sorry for the ridiculously long rant and I don't know if anyone will read this, but I just needed to get this off my chest. I really, truly appreciate if you got this far as I feel so so alone and terrified.