Also I’m pretty sure I’m singing like so wrong bc my throat and jaw just end up hurting SO bad😭
I'm 21F and I've been single my whole life. Missed out on teenage love, despite trying very hard. People are shocked when they find this out about me. It's just become a core part of my identity at this point and i kinda just own it. I'm also really lonely in general.
The worst part is that the reason why i'm still single is not something I can change. It's my personality, and the way i interact with people and how I want to interact with them. I feel like I have to have so much discipline when talking to a guy, fighting that "too much" gene i have that I know makes me come across as obsessive. The chase is heavily addicting but I get better about it every time. This addictive trait isn't something fixable because it's addiction. one of the hardest things to overcome. It's why i don't like to drink or smoke because I already can't deal with an addiction like this (and also my phone addiction)
It sucks because (again, sounding like a pick me narcissist here, but this applies to both friendship and romance) I really shouldn't have this problem. I'm not ugly. Complete strangers tell me i'm pretty quite often. I'm a professional guitarist, and everyone kinda knew me as the cool guitar girl (i was the only guitarist in a school band). I'm into cars. I like formula 1. i'm a giant star wars nerd. I dress pretty well. basically i'm of the opinion that i'm Pretty Fucking Cool. I'm very well liked, I just struggle to make connections.
But anyways with all that in mind, it makes me feel like i'm going fucking CRAZY!!! WHY DO I HAVE THIS PROBLEM. GOD IS PUNISHING ME😃😃if i could go back I think I'd nerf one of my talents and go for the social butterfly package instead.
But on the heavier side, living with this loneliness is going to destroy me. I am so tired on this profound sense of longing for closeness and intimacy that I constantly feel like i've been cheated out of. It doesn't feel like being desperate for male attention, because if I were I wouldn't have any standards at this point. But this longing has gone on so long that it affects my daily life and wellbeing. I can't even do anything without wishing I had a partner to enjoy it with. Even the most mundane of things. I linger on any kind of physical affection because I'm completely starved of it.
Every time i start to like a guy, I just think "it'll work this time". and guess what? it doesn't. so much that the most recent guy i liked, i had a bit of a breakdown because I knew he wouldn't like me back. And I was right. I stupidly confessed and got let down easy. But, on the more positive side, this time I didn't let myself form a limerent attachment to him, and was actually not too upset by it as its own isolated incident. And also the fact that I finally liked a guy I didn't have to make any excuses for because he was a walking green flag. He actually begged for it not to be awkward now because he wanted to stay friends that bad. I'm okay with that. What is bumming me out is that it's another lost chance. My friends told me i can do better, but it's like. no. I can't. That WAS me doing better, there ISN'T better than that.
But i would be remiss if I didn't say I was googling "so do guys who reject you ever change their minds?" because man he was just so kind about it and has actually shown up for me in ways that very few guys i like ever have. Im so glad to still have him as a friend, but in the back of my mind i'm wanting to stick it out for the long haul.
anyways if you read this thank you for reading my late night vent <3