CANBERRA, ACT — In the windowless, heavily insulated back rooms of Parliament House, Treasurer Jimbo Chalmers is reportedly sweating through his tailored RM Williams attire. The latest Australian Bureau of Statistics data has dropped a bombshell, showing the national unemployment rate has suddenly jumped to a seasonally adjusted 4.5 per cent, leaving roughly 33,000 more Australians with nothing but the local bowlo to look forward to on a Tuesday afternoon.

With an election looming on the horizon, the pressure to cook the books—or at least the employment figures—has reached a pitch that could shatter a schooner glass.

Insiders report that Jimbo immediately called an emergency midnight summit, locking himself in a room with a handful of elite Canberra department heads and a delegation of high-vis-clad heavyweights from the construction union. The agenda? Brainstorming enough “shovel-ready” infrastructure projects to turn the economy around, buy a few thousand votes, and keep the union boys flush with cash.

“Look, we just need to build things. Anything. Anywhere,” Jimbo was overheard muttering while frantically pacing the room. “Can we build a gold-plated monorail from Logan to Logan Village? What about an underwater tunnel connecting Canberra to Tasman Island? Just give me something that requires 800 site managers on six-figure salaries before the polling booths open.”

According to sources close to the treasury pizza-delivery boy, the main hurdle wasn’t finding things to dig up, but finding a way to pay for it without looking like they are pouring premium unleaded fuel on the inflation fire.

To solve this, Jimbo has reportedly tasked his top bureaucratic minds with workshopping a series of highly convenient, catastrophic excuses to justify a massive, multi-billion-dollar spike in government spending.

“We need a narrative, people!” Chalmers allegedly told the room, slamming his hand on a mahogany table. “If the media asks why we’re printing billions to fund a new light rail through an empty paddock, I want options. Can we blame a rogue AI threat? A localized digital cyber-virus out of Eastern Europe? An unprecedented global outbreak of mild seasonal sniffles? Work with me here!”

Meanwhile, over at Martin Place, the Reserve Bank of Australia is reportedly in a state of absolute, hair-pulling panic. RBA officials have been seen weeping openly into their macro-economic charts, knowing that another multi-billion-dollar government cash-splash will force them to hike interest rates until the average Australian mortgage holder is forced to sell their left kidney just to cover the monthly interest on their brick-and-mortar dream.

But inside Jimbo’s echo chamber, the mood remains blissfully detached from reality. Whenever the terrifying word ‘inflation’ is uttered, the Treasurer’s highly paid ‘Yes Men’ are quick to soothe his anxiety.

“Don’t worry about the RBA, Jimbo mate,” one senior department secretary reportedly whispered while massaging the Treasurer’s shoulders. “Everyone knows inflation isn’t caused by us injecting hundreds of billions into the economy. It’s caused entirely by Michele Bullock being mean. If they just stopped raising rates, prices would go down. It’s basic physics.”

At press time, the CFMEU delegation was seen leaving Parliament House with smiles on their faces, having successfully locked in a $42 billion contract to upgrade the footpaths outside the Treasury building, utilizing an estimated three shovel operators and ninety-seven traffic controllers.

CANBERRA, ACT — The Federal Government has today announced a sweeping, multi-million-dollar resilience framework to combat an incredibly rare spike in respiratory cases, reassuring the nation that while nobody is entirely sure what the illness is, the response will be highly visible, incredibly expensive, and strictly managed from a podium.

In an emergency media briefing held earlier today—conspicuously delayed by forty-five minutes to ensure maximum television viewership—the Prime Minister stood before a row of pristine, unblemished Australian flags to unveil the *Diphtheria-Adjacent Strategic Mitigation Package*.

According to internal sources within the Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet, the decision to pivot the entire national apparatus toward a localized cough came after an urgent, late-night phone call to former Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews. Insiders confirm the PM explicitly requested a copy of the “2021 Playbook,” seeking urgent consultation on the exact threshold required to mandate outdoor high-visibility vests and schedule consecutive 11:00 AM daily press conferences.

While the Prime Minister stopped short of wearing a black zip-up North Face jacket to the podium, sources close to the lodge suggest one has already been dry-cleaned and placed on a hanger in the briefing room “just in case the vibe requires a sense of executive urgency.”

However, behind the scenes, tension is brewing over how the stimulus capital will be allocated.

A heated debate reportedly broke out in the cabinet room between the Prime Minister and the Treasurer over which “shovel-ready” infrastructure projects could be fast-tracked under the guise of emergency health logistics.

The Treasurer was heard pleading for restraint, arguing that any funding model must look entirely distinct from the previous administration’s “Sports Rorts” era.

“We can’t just hand out money for regional pavilions,” the Treasurer allegedly argued while reviewing a spreadsheet of suburban marginal seats. “If we just copy Scott’s homework, the press gallery will notice by Thursday. It needs to look scientific.”

The Prime Minister countered, insisting that the national interest required immediate, massive earth-moving projects that strictly adhered to existing enterprise bargaining agreements.

“If the CFMEU doesn’t clear the concrete pours for the new Regional Cough Isolation Hubs by next month, we won’t have the signage up before the federal election cycle hits the airwaves,” the PM reportedly told the room, slamming a fist onto a draft copy of the *Mandatory Mask and Drainage Upgrade Bill*.

“It’s not corruption if it’s heavily unionized, Jim. It’s a sovereign manufacturing capability.”

At the time of publication, a departmental working group has been formed to investigate the feasibility of designing a QR-code check-in system that specifically measures whether suburban tradies are maintaining adequate social distance from inner-city bike lanes.

More to come.

BETTER OUTCOMES, QLD — In a stunning display of economic wizardry that has left the nation’s barista-philosophers and work-from-home elite literally shaking right now, the nation’s Chief Calculator has finally explained the real reason you can't afford groceries.

Appearing on a Sunday morning news program tailored specifically for people who find the weather forecast too emotionally stimulating, the nation’s premier spreadsheet model defended his latest grand plan to fix the economy by making sure absolutely nobody can accumulate wealth. Before the interview could even begin, an intense, multi-layered, three-hour acknowledgment of economic suffering was performed to cleanse the studio of any lingering vibes of fiscal responsibility. Once the atmosphere was sufficiently cleared of bad energy, the nation’s premier Bean Counter hit back at critics who claim his new capital gains tax tweaks will ruin the hopes of young Aussies trying to build a share portfolio.

"Look, the data is very clear," the Treasurer stated, adjusting a tie that looked like it had been focus-grouped by three different departments. "Our modeling shows that roughly nine out of ten people under the age of 35 don’t actually own any shares whatsoever."

"And frankly, we think that’s a beautiful thing." According to insiders close to the Treasurer’s inner circle of cardigan-wearing academics, the fact that 90% of the youth are entirely disconnected from the capitalist machinery of the stock market is a massive policy win.

"Why would a 24-year-old freelance content-curator want a dividend yield when they can have the pure, unadulterated joy of collective struggle?" whispered one staffer under condition of anonymity. "The Treasurer firmly believes that young people today don't want the burden of private ownership. They prefer the communal warmth of central planning, sharing one-bedroom apartments with five strangers, and queuing up for state-subsidized oat milk."

When pressed by the host on whether punishing young investors who are trying to save a deposit through ETFs was a bit counterproductive, the Treasurer smiled with the serene confidence of a man who has never had to pay for his own parking. "David, you’re looking at this through a broken, bourgeois lens," he explained patiently. "By stripping away the incentive to invest in equities, we are removing the toxic 'distortion' of individual ambition. If young people want to contribute to society, they shouldn't be buying shares in medical technology or mining—they should be investing in state-sanctioned new-build apartments or simply trusting the five-year plan."

The Treasurer went on to confirm that the budget wasn't designed to win opinion polls or create actual economic growth, but rather to establish a vibe of "shared hardship" across all demographics. He noted that while the initial reactions showed most citizens felt financially worse off, they simply failed to see the broader aesthetic of equity. "We didn't do this for a bounce in the polls. We did it because true reform is a journey, not a destination," he said, staring blankly into the camera. "And on this journey, everyone walks at the exact same speed. Especially if that speed is zero."

At press time, the Treasurer’s office was reportedly consulting with local councils to see if future smoking ceremonies could be adapted to burning tax invoices, just to ensure the bad financial spirits are completely wiped out before the next quarter's CPI data drops.

Before we begin, I would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land, waters, and sky-tunnels through which our completely non-functioning defense assets slowly drift. I pay my respects to Elders past, present, and emerging, and acknowledge that sovereignty over our maritime borders was never ceded—mostly because our submarines cannot physically leave the dock to cede it.

I am literally shaking right now. I mean, absolutely hyperventilating into my locally-sourced, oat-milk matcha latte.

In a stunning victory for the nation’s thriving paperwork and beige-cardigan sector, Defence Minister Richard Marles took to the stage at a high-end inner-city think tank today to announce that the government’s $11 billion plan to upgrade our aging Collins-class submarines has been successfully "optimized."

By "optimized," the Minister means the budget has doubled, the actual upgrades have been completely abandoned, and our front-line naval deterrence will now consist of six rusty metal tubes powered by vibes, wishful thinking, and whatever spare parts we can strip off a 1998 Mitsubishi Magna.

Under the original plan, these 28-year-old underwater caravans were supposed to receive brand-new main motors, diesel engines, and electrical generators to keep them afloat until our mythical nuclear-powered saviors arrive sometime in the late 2040s.

However, following a grueling, multi-year bureaucratic vision-boarding session—which undoubtedly involved several catered lunchboxes and a mandatory smoking ceremony to cleanse the project of any remaining operational efficiency—the Department of Defence has pivoted to what they are calling a *“conditions-based sustainment approach.”*

Translation for anyone who doesn't hold a master's degree in public sector grifting: **We aren't fixing a single thing until it literally fills with seawater and sinks to the bottom of the Port Adelaide River.

**

Meanwhile, In Beijing...

While the top brass in Canberra pat themselves on the back for managing to spend $11 billion on *not* buying engines, military analysts suspect the mood in the Chinese Politburo is one of absolute, uncontrollable hysteria.

Sources close to the People’s Liberation Army suggest that President Xi Jinping has had to suspend all official cross-strait invasion planning because his entire joint chiefs of staff are currently incapacitated by laughter.

> "We used to worry about the regional balance of power," whispered one anonymous defense insider. "But now we just watch the Australian Department of Defence review its own reviews. They are doing our job for us. At this rate of bureaucratic paralysis, we won't even need to launch an armada. We can just wait until 2035 and buy Canberra at a asset liquidation auction for three dollars and a carton of export-strength cigarettes."

>

### Safety First, Capability Never

The government has assured the public that "safety will be paramount" during this LOTE-lite (Life-of-Type Extension... Lite) process. This is incredibly comforting news for the brave sailors who will soon be tasked with taking a vessel that has a projected lifespan shorter than a Coles mudcake into deep, pressurized ocean trenches. The first boat scheduled for this high-stakes arts-and-crafts project is the *HMAS Farncomb*, which will enter dry dock at the end of the month. Instead of getting the scheduled engine refit, it will undergo a "detailed engineering assessment period to tailor its upgrades."

Local shipyard workers have confirmed this means three blokes named Dazza, Thommo, and Alistair (the HR consultant) will stand around it with clipboards for the next three years, kicking the hull, smoking durries, and debating whether they can legally use liquid nails to secure the propeller. Opposition defense spokesman James Paterson was quick to slam the announcement, pointing out that the government is essentially spending double the money for half the sub.

But really, who cares about "national sovereignty" or "structural integrity" when we have successfully achieved peak public sector compliance? The paperwork is immaculate. The risk-assessment matrices are fully filled out. The carbon footprint of a submarine that cannot turn its engine on is practically zero.

We might not have a navy by the end of the decade, but by god, the committee meetings leading up to the surrender will be incredibly well-documented.

In a stunning display of economic wizardry that has left the nation’s remaining accountants weeping into their spreadsheets, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has declared that Australia is getting back into the car-making business.

Speaking from a lavish corporate lunch where the only thing being manufactured was the consent of the tax-paying public, the PM lamented the tragic loss of the Holden Commodore—a vehicle pioneered by a generation of blokes who knew how to wire a radar detector directly into a fuse box.

"It's a real pity we don't have Holden cars anymore," Albanese told a room of nodding suits, while wiping away a tear of pure, unfiltered nostalgia. "We saw a decline because of 'differential labour costs,' but new technology means labour is less important now. Because technology is everywhere, mate. It’s ubiquitous."

According to the PM's revolutionary economic model, the historical reality that building a car in Australia is four times more expensive than in Asia can simply be vaporised by the sheer power of vibes, green energy, and a few more taxpayer-funded subsidies.

Under the bold new ‘Future Made in Australia’ scheme, the Federal Government plans to resurrect the spirit of the Kingswood, but with an electric twist. The proposed "Albo-Mobile EV" will reportedly feature an array of cutting-edge technology, including a dashboard that automatically funnels 10% of its battery power back into the construction union's holiday fund.

However, industry experts have raised immediate concerns about how a locally made EV will remain price-competitive when a single concrete pour on a Brisbane train station currently requires 14 traffic controllers earning $180,000 a year to hold a "Stop" sign. When questioned on how the government plans to navigate local manufacturing costs, a spokesperson for the CFMEU—speaking from the deck of a jet ski currently moored in a Gold Coast canal—assured the public that the union was "100% behind the initiative."

"We fully support Aussie manufacturing, provided every single electric vehicle assembly line is staffed by site delegates on a minimum 36-hour work week," the spokesperson said, while adjusting a high-vis jacket that had never seen a speck of dust. "We’ve already drafted the Enterprise Bargaining Agreement. The robotic arms on the assembly line will be required to take a mandatory 15-minute smoko break every hour to ensure they don't get 'digital fatigue.' Furthermore, any worker tasked with plugging in the charging cable must be classified as a 'High-Voltage Master Wizard' and compensated accordingly."

Back at the press conference, the Prime Minister was asked which other defunct Australian icons he’d like to see revived by his government's multi-billion dollar intervention fund. "Sunnyboys," Albanese replied instantly, proving that the highest office in the land is currently being guided by the culinary palate of a 1984 year 4 primary school student. "The raspberry ones, and the orange ones. No reason why we can’t manufacture them out of an old Holden plant in Elizabeth. We just need a few more grants."

At press time, Chinese automotive executives were reportedly laughing so hard they had to be treated for hyperventilation, while local Canberra bureaucrats began drafting the compliance paperwork for a federally subsidized, union-built electric ute that will retail for an affordable $349,990 plus on-road costs. More to come.

Billionaire Clive Palmer and MacroBusiness co-founder Leith van Onselen join Karl Stefanovic for a blunt, data-backed teardown of the latest federal budget, detailing how escalating bracket creep and structural tax shifts are failing wage and salary earners.

The discussion unpacks the macro impact of the upgraded net overseas migration forecasts against Australia's compounding housing supply constraints, arguing that the true wealth-generating potential of regional industries is being actively diluted.

Ultimately, they weigh the stark possibility of policy-driven energy shortages and global fuel supply shocks tipping the domestic economy into an imminent recession by July.

Canberra's resident economic wizard, Jim Chalmers, has put his foot down, proving once and for all that he won't be bullied by a bunch of dust-covered blokes digging up the nation's GDP. The City of Kalgoorlie-Boulder had the absolute audacity to ask the Federal Government for a measly $9.5 million from the National Water Grid fund. The cash was meant for stage one of their "Waterbank" project—a desperate attempt to harvest stormwater, recycle water, and drought-proof a town that quite literally keeps the lights on in the Eastern States.

But Jimbo, possessing the sharp mathematical mind of a man who thinks a budget surplus is something you find under the couch cushions, gave them the classic Canberra handshake: nothing.

Local sources point out that Kalgoorlie extracts over $30 million worth of gold every single day, meaning the town produces the requested $9.5 million before Jimbo even finishes his morning almond latte and checks his hair in the mirror. Yet, the Treasurer looked at this multi-billion-dollar gift horse, stared directly down its throat, and decided the miners could keep drinking out of puddles. When questioned about why the engine room of the West was left high and dry, Jimbo reportedly explained that $9.5 million is a "serious amount of coin" that could be far better utilised on projects that actually win the hearts and minds of the voters who matter—specifically, those living within a 5-kilometre radius of Newtown.

"Look, a water bank in the desert sounds great on paper, but does it align with our modern Australian values?" a spokesperson from the Treasurer’s office didn't say, but absolutely thought.

"We have to look at the bigger picture. That $9.5 million could easily fund a state-of-the-art DEI compliance rollout across federal departments, or better yet, a fast-tracked pilot program to guarantee streamlined NDIS funding for non-binary and trans-inclusive regional wellness spaces." "Can you honestly look a voter in the inner-West in the eye and tell them we spent millions on 'stormwater infrastructure' for people who wear high-vis, when we could have spent it on a government-subsidised gender-affirming corporate retreat?"

At press time, Kalgoorlie locals were seen staring into their empty dams, comforted by the knowledge that while they might run out of water by next summer, the federal bureaucracy has never been more diverse.

In a stunning victory for gender diversity and progressive corporate procurement, the Victorian Labor Government has successfully proven that women can do anything—including providing a highly lucrative, multi-million-dollar tax shield for the state’s most prolific domestic abusers, drug traffickers, and motorcycle enthusiasts.

Under Premier Jacinta Allan’s progressive *Big Build* initiative, the groundbreaking labour hire firm *Women in Construction* has managed to rake in an estimated $2.5 million a week in taxpayer funds. The company, which heavily aligned itself with the state government's landmark Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) mandates, was designed to smash the glass ceiling. Instead, it appears to have spent the last few years smashing family violence intervention orders, with sole director and owner Luke Ellery holding multiple convictions for persistently breaching domestic violence orders.

"This is exactly what intersectional feminism looks like in practice," explained one high-ranking Department of Transport and Planning bureaucrat, while adjusting a lanyard that listed four different sets of pronouns.

"When we mandated that major infrastructure projects must prioritise female-led suppliers, we didn't want to get bogged down in patriarchal red tape—like checking if the bloke running the 'women's company' was driving a Maserati funded by under-the-table kickbacks, or if he'd been ordered by a magistrate to attend a male behavioural change program. That kind of background checking is deeply exclusionary." Sources close to the North East Link project have confirmed that the progressive quotas have worked exactly as intended, allowing progressive underworld figures to transition from traditional, outdated criminal enterprises into modern, gender-affirming corporate structures.

The procurement process was reportedly so inclusive that the company happily took recruitment directives directly from local Outlaw Motorcycle Gang leaders, ensuring that the wives, girlfriends, and associates of Melbourne's criminal elite were given equal opportunity to stand around in high-vis vests at $180 an hour.

The scheme also proved highly collaborative, with veteran gangland figure Mick Gatto reportedly brought in to consult on how to diversify the company's portfolio into charity events and MMA fight promotions.

When asked on Thursday afternoon why a company explicitly designed to empower women was instead enriching men who beat them, a spokesperson for Premier Jacinta Allan insisted the system was working flawlessly.

"We have absolutely zero tolerance for illegal behaviour, which is why we’ve already asked the Labour Hire Authority to look into this right after *The Age* did all of our investigative work for us," the spokesperson said.

"Besides, the alternative is letting the Victorian Liberal Party cut $40 billion from the public service, which would mean sacking the entire department currently tasked with ignoring CFMEU corruption. Is that really what Victorians want?"

At press time, the government was reportedly drafting a new 'Guns in the Community' initiative, which will mandate that at least 40% of all future armed robberies in the metropolitan area must be committed by non-binary individuals.

*Upvote this post if you think the Victorian LNP is still somehow to blame for this, or downvote if you think Dan Andrews should come back and lock us down for another 200 days to flatten the curve of bikie-led procurement scams.*

**CANBERRA** — Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has spent the morning pacing the thick pile carpets of The Lodge, clutching a lukewarm artisanal tea and lamenting the "unreasonable expectations" of a public that expects him to do what he said he’d do.

In a candid moment overheard by a staffer who was just trying to deliver a fresh batch of 'Yes' badges, the PM was heard comparing his current plight to the "absolute cakewalk" John Howard faced in 1998.

"I’m sick of hearing about the GST," Albo reportedly muttered, gesturing wildly toward a framed photo of himself at an inner-west DJ set. "Howard took a massive tax reform to an election? Big deal! He had it easy. People liked democracy back then. Now, they expect you to actually *keep* your word. It’s a total double standard."

Surrounding the Prime Minister was a protective phalanx of ALP "Strategic Visionaries"—young men in R.M. Williams boots who have never held a tool heavier than a MacBook Pro—nodding so vigorously their AirPods were at risk of falling out. "Exactly, PM," chimed in one staffer, who spent the morning googling synonyms for 'lying.' "Howard was a coward for being honest. It’s much more courageous to wait until *after* the votes are counted to decide what your principles are. It’s called 'Dynamic Governance.'" "And the eyebrows!" another hack added, sneering at a Wikipedia photo of the 25th Prime Minister. "Howard just walked around in a tracksuit asking for a mandate like a total loser. You’re much more of a 'vibe' leader. Mandates are so pre-internet. We’re in the 'Aura' era of politics now."

The PM’s frustrations stem from his recent "evolution" on negative gearing and capital gains tax—a move he insists isn't a "broken promise" but rather a "carefully curated position-slash." "We haven't lied," Albo told the room of yes-men, who immediately burst into a spontaneous round of applause. "We’ve just 'upgraded' our integrity. It’s like a software update. You didn't ask for the new iOS to move your icons around, but you deal with it because the alternative is being a Luddite."

The Prime Minister was particularly incensed by the suggestion that Howard’s willingness to risk his entire career on a transparent policy made him "stronger." "Howard had the luxury of a $1.3 billion ABC budget that didn't yet know how to use TikTok," Albo complained. "I have to manage the Overton Window while simultaneously pretending I’m still a 'lad from public housing' while I live in a mansion and tinker with the tax settings of the very people who just bought me lunch."

"You’re the real victim here, Tony," whispered a senior advisor, gently placing a hand on Albo’s shoulder. "Howard just had to win a majority. You have to win a majority *and* then explain to everyone why that majority doesn't actually get what they voted for. That’s true leadership. That’s basically a dictatorship of the heart."

As the PM prepared to head to a press conference to explain why "No" actually means "Yes, but later," he was heard one last time comparing himself to the 'Little Johnny' of old. "Howard gave them a choice. I’m giving them a surprise. And everyone knows surprises are better." The ABC is expected to report the Prime Minister’s comments as a "Masterclass in Flexible Truth-Telling," before immediately requesting an additional $400 million to study the effects of Howard-era nostalgia on the mental health of inner-city dog walkers.

**FRENCHS FOREST** – Local entrepreneur and registered NDIS provider, Braxton Chablis (34), says he feels like a “common peasant” and a “test subject” following the Albanese Government’s latest attempt to stop him from charging the taxpayer $450 an hour for ‘therapeutic gardening’ sessions that mostly involve him watching a client mow his own lawn.

Chablis, who transitioned from a failed career in luxury watch flipping to the NDIS sector in 2021, says the ALP’s recent crackdowns on "non-essential spending" have left him feeling psychologically traumatised. “I feel like a lab rat in Bill Shorten’s sick little socialist laboratory,” wept Chablis, while leaning against the hood of his brand new G-Wagon, which is currently registered as a ‘mobile sensory soothing unit.’

“First they come for the $15,000 holistic crystal healing retreats in Bali, and now they’re questioning why a non-verbal five-year-old needs a $20,000 carbon-fibre racing wheelchair with a built-in espresso machine. Where does the tyranny end?” The Betoota Advocate understands that Chablis is one of thousands of hardworking middle-men currently being ‘persecuted’ by the Labor Party’s insistence that NDIS funds should actually go towards things like ‘medical equipment’ and ‘essential care’ rather than his personal portfolio of short-term rentals in Noosa.

“Albo keeps talking about ‘sustainability’ and ‘budgetary constraints,’” Braxton spat, wiping away a tear with a tax-deductible Hermès pocket square. “But what about the sustainability of my lifestyle? I’ve got a boat mooring in Rose Bay that isn’t going to pay for itself. Does Bill Shorten want me to live like a school teacher? Because that’s what this feels like. Pure, unadulterated communism.”

The crisis reached a breaking point this week when the NDIA rejected Braxton’s invoice for a ‘Social Integration Workshop,’ which was actually just him taking three NDIS participants to the VIP lounge at Randwick and keeping the winnings. “They’re stifling innovation,” Braxton said. “I was providing those clients with a high-stakes, real-world lesson in probability and disappointment. That’s a life skill. But the bureaucrats in Canberra just see ‘gambling.’ It’s so narrow-minded.” At press time, Braxton was seen frantically Googling if he could pivot his NDIS firm into a ‘Voice to Parliament’ consultancy firm, hoping the ALP might be less inclined to check the receipts on that one. “I just want to help people,” he sobbed. “Specifically, I want to help people help me afford a second helipad.”

**More to come.**

Treasurer Jim Chalmers has tonight delivered a Federal Budget that can best be described as "The Robin Hood Strategy," if Robin Hood also charged a 30% handling fee and forgot to actually give the money back to the poor. In a speech that lasted longer than a delayed flight to Gladstone, the Treasurer unveiled a $77 billion tax grab designed to "level the playing field," which is Canberra-speak for "we spent all the mining boom money on consulting fees and now we need your lunch money."

The Great Housing Swap

The centerpiece of the 2026 Budget is a revived Bill Shorten-era dream: phasing out negative gearing on existing homes and gutting the capital gains tax discount. According to Dr. Chalmers, these measures—which will raise enough revenue to buy several small European nations—are aimed at helping 75,000 Australians buy a home. For the other 25.9 million Australians, the government is offering a "cost of living" olive branch in the form of a $5-a-week tax cut. "I can't wait to get to the pub on Friday," said local carpenter and disillusioned voter, Gazza. "With that extra five bucks, I can almost afford a packet of salt and vinegar chips to go with the beer I can no longer afford because my landlord just hiked the rent to cover his new tax bill. It’s the circle of life, really."

The "Trust" Issues

In a move that has sent shockwaves through every accounting firm in North Sydney and Toorak, the government has also slapped a 30% minimum tax rate on discretionary trusts. Economists suggest this will primarily impact "Mums and Dads," provided those Mums and Dads are the ones who own three medical clinics and a fleet of Range Rovers. However, the Treasurer insists it's about "intergenerational fairness," ensuring that your grandchildren will have a very fair and equitable mountain of debt to climb when they graduate.

The Debt Mountain gets a Peak

Despite the tax hikes, the Budget won’t actually see a surplus until roughly the same time humanity successfully colonizes Mars (2034-35). Gross debt is set to surge past **$1 trillion**, a number that the Treasury has started writing in Comic Sans because it’s hard to take it seriously anymore. Most of the "savings" are predicated on NDIS reforms, which the government promises will save $185 billion—a projection so optimistic it makes a Tinder profile look like a sworn affidavit.

Expansionary Vibes

While the Reserve Bank is currently trying to cool the economy by making everyone too poor to buy bread, the Government has decided to go the other way, increasing spending by $6.5 billion next year. "It’s like the RBA is trying to put out a fire with a garden hose, and Jim is standing behind them with a flamethrower and a smile," said one senior economist while looking for his passport. At press time, the Treasurer was seen telling a group of first-home buyers that while they still can't afford a house, they should take comfort in the fact that their boss’s accountant is having a very stressful week.

In a move that proves the Federal Government has officially run out of humans who give a toss, Treasurer Jim Chalmers has announced that Artificial Intelligence will now be in charge of approving new housing developments.

The plan involves dumping a cool hundred million into a computer program designed to do the work that public servants usually spend six years ignoring. The AI will be tasked with navigating environmental laws so dense and cooked that even the bloke who wrote them couldn't tell you if a new duplex in Penrith constitutes a war crime against a local species of frog.

Jimbo told reporters today that this productivity boost is exactly what the country needs, mostly because a computer doesn't require a rostered day off or a four-hour lunch break at the local RSL.

However, the news has left the local subreddit literally shaking rn. The thought of a robot doing an honest day’s work has sent shockwaves through the CFMEU, with union heavies visibly distressed at the prospect of a worker that doesn’t demand a 25 percent pay rise for standing near a "Caution: Wet Floor" sign. Sources say the union is already looking into whether a motherboard can be forced to wear a high-vis vest and join a snap rally on the M1.

While the government hopes the AI will fast-track the thousands of homes currently stuck in bureaucratic purgatory, skeptics are worried the algorithm might accidentally gain sentience and realise that building six thousand luxury apartments with no parking in a flood zone is a bit of a stitch-up.

For now, the rest of the country remains hopeful that the AI might eventually be programmed to explain why a bag of chips costs twelve dollars, or at the very least, replace Jimbo entirely so we can finally get a straight answer on the budget.

I’m literally crying and shaking, always was, always will be, a 404 error.

**CANBERRA** — Treasurer Jim Chalmers has delivered a sobering "reality check" to the nation today, appearing before reporters with the solemn expression of a man about to tell you he forgot to buy beer for the BBQ, despite having a $50 note in his hand and living next door to a Dan Murphy’s. The Treasurer warned that Australians must prepare for a series of "hard choices" in the upcoming budget—though he was quick to clarify that these choices will be made exclusively by taxpayers, not by a government currently addicted to the sweet, sweet hit of inflationary spending.

"Look, the days of easy wins are over," said Chalmers, while simultaneously approving a budget for a new federal department dedicated to auditing the vibe of regional playgrounds. "We’ve looked at the numbers, and the reality is that the public needs to tighten their belts. We considered tightening ours, but we found that reduced spending actually interferes with our core mission of announcing things."

The "hard choices" reportedly include:

* Deciding which essential grocery item you’ll stop buying so the government can continue funding a 14th round of "consultancy sessions."

* Choosing which streaming service to cancel to offset the upcoming tax hikes that definitely aren't "big tax splashes" because they're being phrased as "revenue integrity measures."

* Accepting that "Budget Repair" is a term used exclusively to describe the process of repairing the government’s ability to spend your money on things you didn’t ask for.

When asked if the government would consider cutting its own record-high spending to combat the inflation currently liquefying the average person's savings, Chalmers laughed until he realized the microphones were still on. "That's way too hard," he said, regaining his composure. "We’re more about the 'visionary' side of economics. You know, the side where we spend the money and you deal with the consequences. It’s called a partnership."

At press time, the Treasurer was seen browsing a catalogue for a legacy-defining infrastructure project that will be $40 billion over budget by Tuesday afternoon.

With the 2026 Budget cycle and the Senate Inquiry heating up, there is a lot of talk about Labor finally moving on the 50% CGT discount (either dropping it to 25-30% or reverting to an indexation model).

​While the focus is on "housing affordability," it feels like the mechanical result will just be a massive "shelter effect" into Principal Places of Residence (PPOR).

​If we see the CGT discount on shares and investment properties reduced, while the PPOR Main Residence Exemption remains untouched (which is almost a political certainty), doesn't that make the "family home" the ultimate tax haven?

​A few thoughts/questions for the sub:

​The "Mansionisation" Effect: Are we going to see a huge pivot where people who would have bought an IP or ETFs instead dump that capital into "over-capitalising" their PPOR? (e.g., $300k renos, luxury extensions, or just buying in a higher-tier suburb).

​Supply Crunch: If grandfathering is introduced (keeping the 50% for existing assets), surely this just nukes listing volumes as everyone sits on their hands to avoid the new tax rate?

​Opportunity Cost: For those of you currently split between a mortgage and a brokerage account, would a CGT hike be the trigger for you to go "all-in" on debt recycling or just paying down the PPOR to build tax-free equity?

​Is the PPOR exemption the "final boss" of Australian tax perks, and can the market actually function if it's the only asset left with a 0% tax rate?

​Curious to hear if anyone is already pivoting their 2026/27 strategy based on the proposed changes.