CANBERRA, ACT — In the windowless, heavily insulated back rooms of Parliament House, Treasurer Jimbo Chalmers is reportedly sweating through his tailored RM Williams attire. The latest Australian Bureau of Statistics data has dropped a bombshell, showing the national unemployment rate has suddenly jumped to a seasonally adjusted 4.5 per cent, leaving roughly 33,000 more Australians with nothing but the local bowlo to look forward to on a Tuesday afternoon.

With an election looming on the horizon, the pressure to cook the books—or at least the employment figures—has reached a pitch that could shatter a schooner glass.

Insiders report that Jimbo immediately called an emergency midnight summit, locking himself in a room with a handful of elite Canberra department heads and a delegation of high-vis-clad heavyweights from the construction union. The agenda? Brainstorming enough “shovel-ready” infrastructure projects to turn the economy around, buy a few thousand votes, and keep the union boys flush with cash.

“Look, we just need to build things. Anything. Anywhere,” Jimbo was overheard muttering while frantically pacing the room. “Can we build a gold-plated monorail from Logan to Logan Village? What about an underwater tunnel connecting Canberra to Tasman Island? Just give me something that requires 800 site managers on six-figure salaries before the polling booths open.”

According to sources close to the treasury pizza-delivery boy, the main hurdle wasn’t finding things to dig up, but finding a way to pay for it without looking like they are pouring premium unleaded fuel on the inflation fire.

To solve this, Jimbo has reportedly tasked his top bureaucratic minds with workshopping a series of highly convenient, catastrophic excuses to justify a massive, multi-billion-dollar spike in government spending.

“We need a narrative, people!” Chalmers allegedly told the room, slamming his hand on a mahogany table. “If the media asks why we’re printing billions to fund a new light rail through an empty paddock, I want options. Can we blame a rogue AI threat? A localized digital cyber-virus out of Eastern Europe? An unprecedented global outbreak of mild seasonal sniffles? Work with me here!”

Meanwhile, over at Martin Place, the Reserve Bank of Australia is reportedly in a state of absolute, hair-pulling panic. RBA officials have been seen weeping openly into their macro-economic charts, knowing that another multi-billion-dollar government cash-splash will force them to hike interest rates until the average Australian mortgage holder is forced to sell their left kidney just to cover the monthly interest on their brick-and-mortar dream.

But inside Jimbo’s echo chamber, the mood remains blissfully detached from reality. Whenever the terrifying word ‘inflation’ is uttered, the Treasurer’s highly paid ‘Yes Men’ are quick to soothe his anxiety.

“Don’t worry about the RBA, Jimbo mate,” one senior department secretary reportedly whispered while massaging the Treasurer’s shoulders. “Everyone knows inflation isn’t caused by us injecting hundreds of billions into the economy. It’s caused entirely by Michele Bullock being mean. If they just stopped raising rates, prices would go down. It’s basic physics.”

At press time, the CFMEU delegation was seen leaving Parliament House with smiles on their faces, having successfully locked in a $42 billion contract to upgrade the footpaths outside the Treasury building, utilizing an estimated three shovel operators and ninety-seven traffic controllers.

I was seeing how our dear leader promises to do this and not do that then says surprise bitches and does or does not do it anyway.

Does this mean it is a good way to live your life and it will be fine for me to lie to the government, lie in courts, lie to the NDIS, ATO, everyone and so on?

My word is my bond...

CANBERRA, ACT — The Federal Government has today announced a sweeping, multi-million-dollar resilience framework to combat an incredibly rare spike in respiratory cases, reassuring the nation that while nobody is entirely sure what the illness is, the response will be highly visible, incredibly expensive, and strictly managed from a podium.

In an emergency media briefing held earlier today—conspicuously delayed by forty-five minutes to ensure maximum television viewership—the Prime Minister stood before a row of pristine, unblemished Australian flags to unveil the *Diphtheria-Adjacent Strategic Mitigation Package*.

According to internal sources within the Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet, the decision to pivot the entire national apparatus toward a localized cough came after an urgent, late-night phone call to former Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews. Insiders confirm the PM explicitly requested a copy of the “2021 Playbook,” seeking urgent consultation on the exact threshold required to mandate outdoor high-visibility vests and schedule consecutive 11:00 AM daily press conferences.

While the Prime Minister stopped short of wearing a black zip-up North Face jacket to the podium, sources close to the lodge suggest one has already been dry-cleaned and placed on a hanger in the briefing room “just in case the vibe requires a sense of executive urgency.”

However, behind the scenes, tension is brewing over how the stimulus capital will be allocated.

A heated debate reportedly broke out in the cabinet room between the Prime Minister and the Treasurer over which “shovel-ready” infrastructure projects could be fast-tracked under the guise of emergency health logistics.

The Treasurer was heard pleading for restraint, arguing that any funding model must look entirely distinct from the previous administration’s “Sports Rorts” era.

“We can’t just hand out money for regional pavilions,” the Treasurer allegedly argued while reviewing a spreadsheet of suburban marginal seats. “If we just copy Scott’s homework, the press gallery will notice by Thursday. It needs to look scientific.”

The Prime Minister countered, insisting that the national interest required immediate, massive earth-moving projects that strictly adhered to existing enterprise bargaining agreements.

“If the CFMEU doesn’t clear the concrete pours for the new Regional Cough Isolation Hubs by next month, we won’t have the signage up before the federal election cycle hits the airwaves,” the PM reportedly told the room, slamming a fist onto a draft copy of the *Mandatory Mask and Drainage Upgrade Bill*.

“It’s not corruption if it’s heavily unionized, Jim. It’s a sovereign manufacturing capability.”

At the time of publication, a departmental working group has been formed to investigate the feasibility of designing a QR-code check-in system that specifically measures whether suburban tradies are maintaining adequate social distance from inner-city bike lanes.

More to come.

BETTER OUTCOMES, QLD — In a stunning display of economic wizardry that has left the nation’s barista-philosophers and work-from-home elite literally shaking right now, the nation’s Chief Calculator has finally explained the real reason you can't afford groceries.

Appearing on a Sunday morning news program tailored specifically for people who find the weather forecast too emotionally stimulating, the nation’s premier spreadsheet model defended his latest grand plan to fix the economy by making sure absolutely nobody can accumulate wealth. Before the interview could even begin, an intense, multi-layered, three-hour acknowledgment of economic suffering was performed to cleanse the studio of any lingering vibes of fiscal responsibility. Once the atmosphere was sufficiently cleared of bad energy, the nation’s premier Bean Counter hit back at critics who claim his new capital gains tax tweaks will ruin the hopes of young Aussies trying to build a share portfolio.

"Look, the data is very clear," the Treasurer stated, adjusting a tie that looked like it had been focus-grouped by three different departments. "Our modeling shows that roughly nine out of ten people under the age of 35 don’t actually own any shares whatsoever."

"And frankly, we think that’s a beautiful thing." According to insiders close to the Treasurer’s inner circle of cardigan-wearing academics, the fact that 90% of the youth are entirely disconnected from the capitalist machinery of the stock market is a massive policy win.

"Why would a 24-year-old freelance content-curator want a dividend yield when they can have the pure, unadulterated joy of collective struggle?" whispered one staffer under condition of anonymity. "The Treasurer firmly believes that young people today don't want the burden of private ownership. They prefer the communal warmth of central planning, sharing one-bedroom apartments with five strangers, and queuing up for state-subsidized oat milk."

When pressed by the host on whether punishing young investors who are trying to save a deposit through ETFs was a bit counterproductive, the Treasurer smiled with the serene confidence of a man who has never had to pay for his own parking. "David, you’re looking at this through a broken, bourgeois lens," he explained patiently. "By stripping away the incentive to invest in equities, we are removing the toxic 'distortion' of individual ambition. If young people want to contribute to society, they shouldn't be buying shares in medical technology or mining—they should be investing in state-sanctioned new-build apartments or simply trusting the five-year plan."

The Treasurer went on to confirm that the budget wasn't designed to win opinion polls or create actual economic growth, but rather to establish a vibe of "shared hardship" across all demographics. He noted that while the initial reactions showed most citizens felt financially worse off, they simply failed to see the broader aesthetic of equity. "We didn't do this for a bounce in the polls. We did it because true reform is a journey, not a destination," he said, staring blankly into the camera. "And on this journey, everyone walks at the exact same speed. Especially if that speed is zero."

At press time, the Treasurer’s office was reportedly consulting with local councils to see if future smoking ceremonies could be adapted to burning tax invoices, just to ensure the bad financial spirits are completely wiped out before the next quarter's CPI data drops.

Wish I’d known about this earlier, so passing it on. ING have a $100 sign up bonus running until May 31st. You just need to open an account and complete a few simple requirements.

Steps are:

1. Sign up here
2. Deposit $1000 (can transfer it back out after bonus is paid)
3. Make 5 debit card purchases
4. Open a Savings Maximiser and deposit $1

That’s literally it.

I set everything up in about 10 minutes. Once the card arrived, I used it for one grocery shop and split the payment into 5 transactions at self checkout. Bonus came in after a few days.

Obviously only worth doing if you’re comfortable opening another bank account, but as far as promos go, this one’s pretty painless. Pretty happy that I saw it and was able to take advantage of it before it was gone.

It is something we need to discuss...

In a stunning display of economic wizardry that has left the nation’s remaining accountants weeping into their spreadsheets, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has declared that Australia is getting back into the car-making business.

Speaking from a lavish corporate lunch where the only thing being manufactured was the consent of the tax-paying public, the PM lamented the tragic loss of the Holden Commodore—a vehicle pioneered by a generation of blokes who knew how to wire a radar detector directly into a fuse box.

"It's a real pity we don't have Holden cars anymore," Albanese told a room of nodding suits, while wiping away a tear of pure, unfiltered nostalgia. "We saw a decline because of 'differential labour costs,' but new technology means labour is less important now. Because technology is everywhere, mate. It’s ubiquitous."

According to the PM's revolutionary economic model, the historical reality that building a car in Australia is four times more expensive than in Asia can simply be vaporised by the sheer power of vibes, green energy, and a few more taxpayer-funded subsidies.

Under the bold new ‘Future Made in Australia’ scheme, the Federal Government plans to resurrect the spirit of the Kingswood, but with an electric twist. The proposed "Albo-Mobile EV" will reportedly feature an array of cutting-edge technology, including a dashboard that automatically funnels 10% of its battery power back into the construction union's holiday fund.

However, industry experts have raised immediate concerns about how a locally made EV will remain price-competitive when a single concrete pour on a Brisbane train station currently requires 14 traffic controllers earning $180,000 a year to hold a "Stop" sign. When questioned on how the government plans to navigate local manufacturing costs, a spokesperson for the CFMEU—speaking from the deck of a jet ski currently moored in a Gold Coast canal—assured the public that the union was "100% behind the initiative."

"We fully support Aussie manufacturing, provided every single electric vehicle assembly line is staffed by site delegates on a minimum 36-hour work week," the spokesperson said, while adjusting a high-vis jacket that had never seen a speck of dust. "We’ve already drafted the Enterprise Bargaining Agreement. The robotic arms on the assembly line will be required to take a mandatory 15-minute smoko break every hour to ensure they don't get 'digital fatigue.' Furthermore, any worker tasked with plugging in the charging cable must be classified as a 'High-Voltage Master Wizard' and compensated accordingly."

Back at the press conference, the Prime Minister was asked which other defunct Australian icons he’d like to see revived by his government's multi-billion dollar intervention fund. "Sunnyboys," Albanese replied instantly, proving that the highest office in the land is currently being guided by the culinary palate of a 1984 year 4 primary school student. "The raspberry ones, and the orange ones. No reason why we can’t manufacture them out of an old Holden plant in Elizabeth. We just need a few more grants."

At press time, Chinese automotive executives were reportedly laughing so hard they had to be treated for hyperventilation, while local Canberra bureaucrats began drafting the compliance paperwork for a federally subsidized, union-built electric ute that will retail for an affordable $349,990 plus on-road costs. More to come.

Before we begin, I would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land, waters, and sky-tunnels through which our completely non-functioning defense assets slowly drift. I pay my respects to Elders past, present, and emerging, and acknowledge that sovereignty over our maritime borders was never ceded—mostly because our submarines cannot physically leave the dock to cede it.

I am literally shaking right now. I mean, absolutely hyperventilating into my locally-sourced, oat-milk matcha latte.

In a stunning victory for the nation’s thriving paperwork and beige-cardigan sector, Defence Minister Richard Marles took to the stage at a high-end inner-city think tank today to announce that the government’s $11 billion plan to upgrade our aging Collins-class submarines has been successfully "optimized."

By "optimized," the Minister means the budget has doubled, the actual upgrades have been completely abandoned, and our front-line naval deterrence will now consist of six rusty metal tubes powered by vibes, wishful thinking, and whatever spare parts we can strip off a 1998 Mitsubishi Magna.

Under the original plan, these 28-year-old underwater caravans were supposed to receive brand-new main motors, diesel engines, and electrical generators to keep them afloat until our mythical nuclear-powered saviors arrive sometime in the late 2040s.

However, following a grueling, multi-year bureaucratic vision-boarding session—which undoubtedly involved several catered lunchboxes and a mandatory smoking ceremony to cleanse the project of any remaining operational efficiency—the Department of Defence has pivoted to what they are calling a *“conditions-based sustainment approach.”*

Translation for anyone who doesn't hold a master's degree in public sector grifting: **We aren't fixing a single thing until it literally fills with seawater and sinks to the bottom of the Port Adelaide River.

**

Meanwhile, In Beijing...

While the top brass in Canberra pat themselves on the back for managing to spend $11 billion on *not* buying engines, military analysts suspect the mood in the Chinese Politburo is one of absolute, uncontrollable hysteria.

Sources close to the People’s Liberation Army suggest that President Xi Jinping has had to suspend all official cross-strait invasion planning because his entire joint chiefs of staff are currently incapacitated by laughter.

> "We used to worry about the regional balance of power," whispered one anonymous defense insider. "But now we just watch the Australian Department of Defence review its own reviews. They are doing our job for us. At this rate of bureaucratic paralysis, we won't even need to launch an armada. We can just wait until 2035 and buy Canberra at a asset liquidation auction for three dollars and a carton of export-strength cigarettes."

>

### Safety First, Capability Never

The government has assured the public that "safety will be paramount" during this LOTE-lite (Life-of-Type Extension... Lite) process. This is incredibly comforting news for the brave sailors who will soon be tasked with taking a vessel that has a projected lifespan shorter than a Coles mudcake into deep, pressurized ocean trenches. The first boat scheduled for this high-stakes arts-and-crafts project is the *HMAS Farncomb*, which will enter dry dock at the end of the month. Instead of getting the scheduled engine refit, it will undergo a "detailed engineering assessment period to tailor its upgrades."

Local shipyard workers have confirmed this means three blokes named Dazza, Thommo, and Alistair (the HR consultant) will stand around it with clipboards for the next three years, kicking the hull, smoking durries, and debating whether they can legally use liquid nails to secure the propeller. Opposition defense spokesman James Paterson was quick to slam the announcement, pointing out that the government is essentially spending double the money for half the sub.

But really, who cares about "national sovereignty" or "structural integrity" when we have successfully achieved peak public sector compliance? The paperwork is immaculate. The risk-assessment matrices are fully filled out. The carbon footprint of a submarine that cannot turn its engine on is practically zero.

We might not have a navy by the end of the decade, but by god, the committee meetings leading up to the surrender will be incredibly well-documented.