u/roz1995

My husband and I are thinking about starting a family in a couple of years. We live on the edge of a relatively small town, near to the beach. I love our neighbourhood because I can walk to work and appointments, walk to my hobbies, catch up with friends in town, pop to the beach. No long commutes, parking fees, or traffic jams required. I've always preferred living in walkable places and feeling more flexible. Obviously I know this changes massively when you have a kid.

My husband owns the flat we're in, thankfully, but it's not very private and quite small for a kid. But there's hardly any larger homes available in our neighbourhood (we can't afford to buy a house right now). My husband's quite keen on the idea of renting a small house with a garden outside of the town, which would require commuting in (30 mins - 1 hour in traffic).

I had such a weirdly visceral reaction to this. One of my biggest fears about parenthood is losing identity and freedom (I've been working on this in therapy). The idea of living in the suburbs and having to drive everywhere is compounding this big fear of feeling trapped. I've also never liked the idea of living the 'picket fence dream' and prefer a more metropolitan lifestyle (as much as we can, seeing as the town we live in isn't big).

Is this a rational worry or not that big a deal in the grand scheme of having a baby? I obviously want what's best for the kid but I feel such an aversion to the idea of moving further out for the sake of space.

I've been wrestling with this dilemma. I'm 31, getting married in September, and live in a small town in the UK with limited opportunities. I have a well-paying public service job that offers flexibility and great mat-leave benefits (I know I have it good). My parents also live here and my fiance owns a small flat that we live in.

The downside is that my job is extremely boring with no progression. The cost of living in here is CRAZY and if we upsized into a house, we'd be squeezed tight by the mortgage (£3k+ per month or something insane).

I'm currently on a sabbatical and have been living abroad in another European country for about 3 months. Loving it so far, so many opportunities, and we'd like to stay for a few years. I'm applying for jobs, but the job market here is brutal and the salaries are low (like, less than half my public service salary). My fiance has his own remote business which has the potential to do well, but is still in the early stages and will take a few more years to shake out.

Add to this the fact that we're looking to start a family in 2-3 years. My partner is adamant about wanting kids and is more keen than I am. I'm a naturally anxious person and worry about starting a family abroad, with potentially no job (or at least a low-paying one) and no family infrastructure, and the toll this could take on my mental health. I feel a bit vulnerable being financially dependent on my partner too.

So the dilemma is basically comfort/infrastructure vs. living abroad. Do I return to my comfortable (if expensive) life in my hometown for the sake of starting a family, possibly looking to move again once we're out of the tough early parenthood stages... or do we take a risk and continue living/starting a family abroad? Has anyone else faced this dilemma? How did it work out?