Its happening again.
I felt the shift. The cool air..we're here again. My body feels on hight alert. Its too loud in my head, I'm losing track again, I know its not forever, I think I can pivot through some things that are coming up, but the tides have receded and the inevitable tsunami is approaching.
Im not where I was last year, but I am. The aching, burning, freezing, tension, pining for my baby and all the other mental gymnastics are hard at work right now. I can't stop from falling apart, my 5yo is seeing it all and consoles me with his brothers cookie & elmo plushies.
I'm not where I was, but the tools aren't working. I just want to be where my little boy is. Better luck accomplishing that the day my eyes dont open. The time between now and then seems so long, I don't want to wish my time away from my big boy, are we to just accept this perpetual cycle?
My husband cant hold this with me, I feel utterly alone. I hit my 1 year therapy anniversary, I've certainly practiced the things to help my brain come back "online", but the tools aren't working right now. There's no compartmentalizing this. What are the parents several seasons out doing to keep yourselves glued together?
I've been doing some form of yoga/meditation/sound bath for 6mo to help my nervous system, I know these things help, but I think they're just moments of passing through, forcing myself to lie here in the grief and feel it rather than suppress it. Ive had a few wild experiences since starting this practice to know that my efforts of staying connected to my child aren't futile, I know he's waiting for me, I just need him to know I'm coming for him too.