Had a week under my belt, relapsed, now on day 4 sober
I’m not even rlly sure if i can fully claim the last four days as sober, i have an addictive personality and i feel as though ive just swapped addictions— got a nicotine vape in lieu of a disposable…then brought the disposable anyways. had it ab a week before i gave it to my gf (who isnt rlly a smoker). now i just have a nic vape and though ik its not better for my health, i like the action of smoking and it wont be flagged on a drug screening (getting clean for a job). i have been drinking this week, out of the norm for me bc i prefer weed over alcohol by far, but i need to feel something. anything. ive drank along twice now, the night of the fourth i got so drunk i barfed twice…alone. I know i have to be able to sit with my thoughts, i think i can but THE BOREDOM!! i can’t bear it, everything is boring and void of joy. i am a void that needs to be filled with nothingness, typically with substances but now just doomscrolling or binging shows.
i also need a new therapist bc ive missed too many sessions. need a new psychiatrist for meds bc i also haven’t been going to appointments.
there isnt much of a point to this, its more of a rant tbh—but i want to be better and be okay without any substances. i want to be content stone cold sober.
i don’t think ill drink again anytime soon, its rlly not my style and it feels awful to me. i just wish it weren’t so hard for me to be okay without weed. its like a warm hug and i think ab how much i miss it everyday i dont use.