I broke my massage therapist
Went for a 90-minute massage today at the float spa I work at. We get an employee discount, so I was able to take advantage of some deep self-care. The woman who did my massage I have known for a couple of months and I was excited to see her because of her great reviews.
She did a great massage on me. When she got to my back, she said, "oh Sarafionna, I can feel it all..." I thought she was commenting on the horrific layers of knots and frozen musculature in my back. I was able to use yogic breathing to get through the painful part of the massage of her breaking up the knots.
She finished up, left the room, I got up and got dressed. When I stepped out to go get some water in the spa's kitchen, I found her in there standing over the sink, sobbing.
She came and hugged me and thanked me for having her work on me.
Apparently, this has never happened to her as a massage therapist. She felt the deepness of my pain, past and present.
This was validating for me in the sense that someone besides my friends and family was hearing me / seeing me. But also very distressing because it showed me how much is there, still there, and that I am still living in an unsafe and uncertain situation despite my efforts to heal.
That's all. Just wanted to share this.
ETA: triggered an emotional flashback that has dysregulated me because I realized I feel like I hurt someone and was a burden.