Unhinged behavior?
I’m becoming more and more unhinged recently last month my mental health went down a bad road and after becoming a mother who has severe anxiety and depression and sensory issues I’ve had these since I was 7 years old my stepdad had been in a wreck and passed away and after I had anxiety of people leaving and never coming back I had trouble sleeping since age 3 I would stay up sometimes because my brain would convince myself if I went to sleep my mom would die or something bad would happen and it would be my fault and more deaths like my brother and grandma/grandpa deaths messed me up to I feel like everyone who really believed in me and really loved me and make me feel like a person died I use to be so depressed and suicidal thinking why take them and not me or let me go with them but recently my kids dad isn’t in there life no has been but he wants to be with me I think I feel like I’m being manipulated I can’t even talk around him half the time I’m scared he’s hurt me soo much and leaving his kids like they don’t know or he doesn’t care to be in there life but the kids been staying with my mom while I hangout with him but something different about him we use to have an amazing relationship he was so smart and handsome and he could be such an amazing person but then he uses his words to hurt you and he has another kid and hardly sees him to and ik he’s hurting bc what his other bm did to him but I just feel like a hard shell and can’t let him in and I hate it but he’s also not being open with me even tho I know I’m awkward assff right now because of my anxiety and just how I feel I wish I could change it because I want to be with him but I don’t think he wants to really be with me I think I fucked it up by being to pushy yet distant in head space we be smoking and just chillen playing games but idk maybe this post is also unhinged i guess i just need to vent but i hate people and i hate not knowing how to act around people im suppose to start anxiety meds but i kinda went off the tracks before i even had time to get them from the pharmacy im dumb and my hearts broken and i feel like a terrible mom/person i dont even feel like a person more of a ghost who can’t let go what’s wrong with me ? I hate feeling like this i just want to be with someone who will really love and care for me