It’s been a year…
Truthfully I don’t want to be writing again. But I’ve been trying to figure out how to leave for a year now. To summarize I found my bd’s secret email and on there was sniffies. When I went through his messages I found evidence of him cheating on me with a guy. Since then I’ve been really struggling, I’ve seen multiple therapist, still seeing one weekly, multiple physiatrists, and taken so many different medications to try to numb. I didn’t think a year later I would still be this miserable. I feel like it all fell on me. Im the one who has to go to therapy and try to repair. And to make it worse he’s trying to turn me leaving into some grand decision of whether or not my daughter gets a father in her life. It’s so unfair. I hate him so much. I can never forgive what he’s done to me mentally. I can’t look at baby pictures of our daughter without thinking about what he was doing durning that time. Well anyways a few weeks ago I find a different email 🙄 and this one was linked to a Reddit account I didn’t know about. He posted the day after cheating on me something along the lines of “just got fucking in the ass, and really enjoyed it”. actually so crazy….. but now I feel so stupid, I chose for a year to believe him that he cheated because he needed to figure out some stuff about himself and he didn’t like it. But now a year later I find out that was a lie too. How can someone be so evil. I think it’s making me feel crazy. I should have been told about the Reddit when I found out about the cheating… he knew about it! I asked for honesty so many times now and he couldn’t give it to me once. Does trust ever come back? Not with him but with anyone. Will I ever be able to feel pretty again… Do I need to worry about him around our daughter?