u/semi_existant_77

I've been going back and forth over making an appointment with my GP for the past month to get help for my eating disorder.

I'm in my mid 20s and since May, I started heavy restriction and lost a considerable amount of weight, because I was frustrated with medication induced weight gain not budging and dealing with terrible body dysmorphia.

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My ED is not new, I just go through phases with it. I am also disabled and over the years my activity level has changed all over the place so this was also a factor.

Honestly I was brought up with conflicting food influences from parents and especially restrictive eating being taught by my mum. I started intentionally restricting to lose weight in my mid teens and I've never had a proper recovery since.

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I'm a tall muscular dude. My BMI says I'm overweight and I don't really look it (ignoring my BD brain)

I was already rejected years ago when I asked the mental health team for a referral to ED services because the woman took one quick look across my body and said "you won't meet the criteria" (that did a number on me)

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I'm doing a lot better with my disability symptoms, but my ED is making me feel like shit. One of my piercings rejected because my body couldn't heal it anymore (I had it for over a year) I feel run down, super anxious all the time. I have a family history of heart issues and I'm scared of the damage I can't see that I'm doing to myself.

I have to plan my restriction around days where I go out and see friends, I'm too embarrassed to tell them about it so I eat normal when I'm out or pretend like I've already had enough to eat earlier in the day, then at home I go back to restricting to make up for it.

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I feel like I can't date until I've lost enough weight although I desperately want to. A couple people I met on dating apps turned out to be chefs and it made me instantly worried how I'd navigate dating someone who's entire job is about food. Obv those didn't go anywhere.

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This is a miserable way to live and I just want help. I'm scared if I get rejected again it'll send me deeper into this disorder.