u/semicharmedliife

Hey DOTers I've been posting on the daily thread the past couple of weeks about a guy I met on a dating app. He's put in much more effort than a lot of people would both before and after the first date without me asking for any of it. So much so that I wrote off some mixed signals like not replying for days as purely situational (he was on a work trip abroad), until he got back and completely changed up when I even hinted at making plans again, showing how little he actually cares.

All that aside I've wasted a couple weeks of my life crashing out over this despite trying my best not to. I haven't been able to put any real effort talking and meeting to other people and I still don't know how to really recover from these situations easily. Obviously this set back doesn't change how much I want to meet the right person but it feels harder each time to keep trying because it's like I wasted a few weeks of emotional investment and time. Not becoming too attached is easier said than done, especially when I'm apparently matching with less than 3 out of every 100 people the past four years on this app and often walk away from first dates feeling very indifferent at best.

What's the healthiest way to keep going?

Called the recruiter number on the job listing after submitting my application a couple days back. They pick up and say the have my info (even recited my email to me) and will email me back right away about the position.

A few hours later, the listing is removed from their website and of course I received no email or other contact.

The reason why I called was because I was most interested in this listing and all their contact info was right there. I didn't know this was just polite speak - recruiters in western countries ghost all the time but they also usually don't say things like "I'll email you right away" so it caught me kind of off guard. Should've tipped me off when I asked if the position was still available when I called and they straight up didn't answer.

I've gotten cancelled on (and stood up once) the last 3 dates I've planned with people I've met on dating apps, usually pretty last minute like the night before or day of. Usually very poor excuses. It's especially upsetting because with some of these people we've spent weeks trying to work out a date, make plans a week or so in advance, and they end up cancelling last minute anyways. This didn't happen a single time in my entire 20s, despite going on way more dates then compared to now.

All these people asked to meet up with me, not the other way around. I don't really feel like it's something I'm doing wrong since I didn't have experiences like this before this past year, but are people flakier nowadays in general? Or as I'm getting older, maybe I should stop entertaining people in their late 20s entirely? (I only say this because 2/3 of these people were late 20s, age difference is 4-5 years). And if there is something I should maybe do differently, I'd love to know what.

Also, I don't know if it's relevant to mention but I've also planned a bunch of "friend dates" with people I've met online or through meetup events in the past year and not a single one has cancelled or flaked out last minute. Like, what gives?

I've had friendships that lasted for 3, 5, even 10 years but I haven't really maintained any close relationships longer than that. I've moved around to other states/countries a few times and sometimes try to keep in touch or reach out again when I visit home, but generally other people never put in that much effort to reciprocate and usually don't ever initiate.

I just moved again over a year ago, and the couple of "friends" I've made in the past year that I hung out with consistently don't even really feel like friends anymore. I reached out a couple times recently, but they didn't follow up about making plans twice. I actually feel like I don't reach out often enough in general and am the opposite of clingy (I feel I can come off as too as aloof or maybe not warm enough sometimes), but when people don't reciprocate it's really hard for me to want to initiate again.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing wrong, but I feel so self-conscious about not having close or long-term friends because I've already finished school years ago and as an adult, I feel like I don't have much chances to meet people naturally anymore. I've met a bunch of random acquaintances through work or events, but I either never see them again or we hang out once or twice and that's it. It kind of feels hopeless and embarrassing at this point when trying to meet people, but I don't already have any close relationships in my life.