I feel torn between two worlds. Advice?
Hi, I am seeking advice. This is, for obvious reasons, a throwaway account, so please don't be bothered by that.
I find myself in a situation where every option is unsatisfying and I am stuck in my head. Hence, I am looking for some input via this post.
Maybe first, some points about myself to give some frame of reference. I am a male in my late 30s, no kids, and have always been dominant. I am curious and have done a lot of different BDSM stuff in the past with different partners, male and female. I am more interested in females, but as long as I can live out my dominant side and find a play partner who has compatible interests, I don't mind male counterparts.
Over the years, I learned what kinks I have, which ones I like, and what makes me happy. Of course, everything is always consensual and practiced safely and slowly. I have had experienced partners as well as interested newcomers whom I introduced slowly and safely into the general world of BDSM.
So, long story short: I would consider myself experienced, someone who knows what I want and also how to take things slowly and safely with inexperienced but interested play partners. However, with all the partners (male and female) I have ever had in the BDSM context, I was never attracted to them outside of that dynamic. Most were on a friend level, but never in a romantic relationship. I was always very open about that.
About 4 years ago, I met my girlfriend. Compared to me, she is very vanilla. I think in my life I was truly in love twice, and she is the second person. I almost thought I would never be in love like that again after the first relationship didn't work out.
In the beginning, I was open about my BDSM desires. She said she was not into this kind of stuff and asked me if I could live without it. To be honest, I was so in love that I was convinced that with her, I didn't need this kind of interaction. And it also worked for about two years. I was happy with what I had, and I always respected her decision and never pushed her again.
Then my desire for BDSM and the things I had experienced in the past caught up with me and started rising again. I found myself thinking about those things and wishing to do them again. Not because of those people from the past, but because of the activities themselves.
I lived with these thoughts for about a year and tried to reduce them somehow (porn). However, it is not the same and not satisfying. When she asked me, I was honest. I truly believed it at that time and thought that my love for her was enough. Now I have to admit that this part of me cannot be locked away, and I feel the rising need to get back to it.
My girlfriend is perfect for me in every aspect that does not involve BDSM. I still love her, and everything is really great.
I was already open with her and told her about my feelings and desires. That back then I meant it, and that I may have changed or underestimated the desire in me. Of course, at first she was not happy to hear that. But after many talks, she agreed to give it a try.
We had many additional talks about it, and I explained everything to her. What the boundaries are, how this can be done as safely as possible, and whether she really wants to give it a try.
After about 2 or 3 months of only talking about it, we started with a first session. I built it to be as beginner-friendly and safe as possible without going far in any direction. As she is completely new to it, I didn't want to cross any boundaries. Heck, I didn't even want to get near any possible boundary. We talked about the first session, and she was surprised by how "pulled back" it was. I explained that I wanted to start as slowly as possible.
We did other sessions afterwards. In every session, I am very focused on her. I try to read every small signal she is sending and keep things beginner-friendly and make everything as slow as possible. Compared to other things I have done, I would barely put them in the BDSM space, which I know is vast and broad. Meaning we are just scratching the surface. Which is absolutely fine.
I am so focused on her that I cannot let myself fall into the dominant role and do things naturally. That is also fine for me for a while, to get her introduced safely.
However, I have doubts about whether it is really safe for her. It is never my intention to hurt or traumatize her. But during the sessions, I have the feeling that she is zoning out, doing it because she thinks she has to do it so she doesn't lose me. I don't see any enjoyment in her at all. Not like I used to see it in the play partners I had in the past.
But I am sure that she is not completely honest with me here. I respect that she is not into it. I never mentioned it in a way like, "You have to do it with me or else I will leave you." I wanted to be honest with her about my desire, as I think that is what one should do in an honest relationship.
Now, after this long text, my problem is that I don't think I can live without acting on this desire in me that I have tasted once. I also don't want her to do it just to please me while she doesn't actually like it. I don't want her to do things that she doesn't want herself. But at the same time, I don't think I can live without the BDSM stuff either.
Opening up the relationship so that I can do BDSM stuff with others who actually enjoy it, but whom I have no romantic interest in, is also not something I would like to have. As I know that she is a jealous type, I think it would slowly kill our relationship.
I also live in a rural area where there aren't like a million options for play partners who would agree to something like that. I haven't actively searched for it, though, so that is just my assumption.
I am not sure if I make any sense.
I would love to have someone in my life that I truly care about AND who is into the kink stuff I am into. Seems to be the unicorn that does not exist
So I feel torn between two worlds.
Do you have any advice?