Ending It All Once I Fail
Medicine student here, throwaway account in case may makilala sakin. Just needed to vent or my head will explode.
I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember. Most my jokes are self-deprecating and suicidal, to the point I’ve decided to end it all.
I have removals on June 1-7, around three — or at least, I’m expecting three. I already have one confirmed subject on June 1.
I’ve been planning to kill myself the moment I become an irregular student. No hate on irregular students, it’s just the amount of pressure I have on my shoulders have been suffocating me for six years.
Last year, I had two removals — I passed them, thankfully. But I prayed and told myself, “isang bagsak, wala na”.
I even planned it all.
Pack a bag. Leave a letter. Block everyone I know. Sneak out to NAIA. Fly somewhere far. Spend a few good days in some beach or a resort. Chug down crushed tablets in soju or whiskey. Inject myself with Midazolam. Die painlessly in my sleep, hopefully.
Funny how being a medicine student can also be my downfall.
At this point, if you are feeling pity — please, don’t. I appreciate it, but my head is clear on this. It’s unfair but I like to think that if I do fail, it means God said this isn’t my path. Maybe my path is to be with Him. Or to hell, since people keep saying committing suicide is a straight ticket to Satan himself.
My only wish is — albeit, selfish — to die painlessly, and to end up somewhere… decent. Doesn’t have to be heaven. Maybe purgatory. Or reincarnate as a bird.